Dear Jesus,
Your mother’s sister wrote to tell me that you are risen. The news brought me great joy and tremendous relief. It also made me reflect on my behavior toward you over the years. You are a man now, an old man at 33, and I hope you’ll understand how difficult it was for me to accept the confusing circumstances of your birth.
I deal in practical things: wood, and nails. That angel Gabriel coming and going; those three strangers showing up with bizarre gifts ten days after you were born. It was hard for me but looking back I did not always handle things in the best way. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m sorry I called you a bastard whenever I got angry.
Also, have you seen my plane? It’s the only tool I have besides as a rock and think you used it last.
Love,
Joe, aka, Dad.
Letter to Jesus from disciple Thomas
Dear Jesus,
I am writing to apologize for seemingly having doubted your resurrection. In truth, since I was away during your first posthumous I thought the fellows were teasing me. They do so often. It’s a bit of a thorn in my side, to coin a phrase.
In any event, you can hardly imagine my delight upon seeing you risen. And so quickly, just three days; two and a half really.
I assure you that I instantly fully believed. The whole finger-in-the-nail-hole and hand-in-the-side thing was unnecessary. (That reminds me, I’m not a doctor but I think I felt something on your liver. You might want to check that.)
I know you’re busy helping your father with the family business but if you find the time, can you please ask the guys to stop calling me “Doubting Thomas?” I’m afraid that’s the kind of name that might stick.
Your friend,
Thomas
Letter to Jesus from Mary of Bethany, brother of Lazarus
Dear Jesus,
My sister and I were so happy to hear that you were up and around after being crucified. It is truly wondrous, especially at a time when people routinely die if they get a splinter.
You are probably wondering about my dear brother Lazarus. You were here with us during those dark hours when Lazarus seemed forever lost. He was gone for four long, grief-filled days before your divine and, as I recall, unsolicited intervention returned him from the kingdom of the dead.
We were so delighted to have him back.
At first.
Unfortunately my brother soon displayed his familiar temperament and habits, both good and bad. But mainly bad. He quickly re-assumed the privilege due to the man of the family, ordering us women about like servants, wearing his sandals in the house, leaving the seat up on his hole in the kitchen floor.
I know you are busy messiah-ing around here and there but I have a few questions.
Now that Lazarus is resurrected, how long might we expect him to stay resurrected? Will the decomposition smell ever go away? Lastly, hypothetically speaking, if he were to have some sort of accident, maybe while he was sleeping, would he get re-resurrected or would he stay there this time?
As always, please come by the shop anytime you need your feet washed with my hair; no appointment needed.
Sincerely,
Mary
Letter to Jesus from market near the sermon on the mount
Dear Mr. Christ,
I am happy to hear that you have returned from the land of the dead!
Your untimely demise was troubling to all who knew (know?) you and I hope you are on the mend. The onerous nature of your departure notwithstanding, I am compelled, sir, to contact you regarding an unreconciled invoice.
I reference the enclosed statement reflecting catering charges incurred for your long ago sermon. You might remember paying for five loaves and two fishes. We both know that was incorrect. My clerk at the time, my wife’s brother, gave you someone else’s bill in error. Your invoice clearly states, “sufficient loaves and fishes to feed at least one multitude.” That is what we provided and that, sir, is what we would like to be paid for.
I understand that fame was enhanced somewhat by the belief that this paltry fare satisfied a large crowd. I am happy to allow that myth to perpetuate – provided your payment arrives within thirty days.
Sincerely,
Anthony, Rocko’s Roman Style Catering
