Dear Dad-Knows-All,
I’m worried about my daughter; I think she’s lonely. The other day I saw her cuddling her dog in a way that made me distinctly uncomfortable. All curled up on the couch, whispering sweet nothings into the dog’s ear. It’s not normal.
Anyways, she doesn’t have a boyfriend and I don’t remember if she has any hobbies. Maybe something to do with Korean skincare?
I want to set her up with someone, but I’m afraid she’ll repel them. She’s just…How do I write this? I love her–her mother made me state that after extensive therapy–but she’s kooky. Like her wardrobe, for example. It’s basically what her mother wore in the 70s when I met her. It’s all from the thrift store and weird. Lots of polka dots, which I think confuse normal guys. They’ve gotta be thinking: where do those dots lead?
And her personality! She’s too independent, she doesn’t even let me hang her pictures anymore. She said she could wield her own hammer. I fear she’s too far gone. What man is going to want to sit back and watch while she checks the level of a painting? It’s emasculating.
I shouldn’t be surprised. She does identify as a feminist. And it’s not that I’m against female empowerment, but it seems that the feminist movement is keeping her single. It’s in the name: feminist. There’s no man to be seen!
Dad-Knows-All, I need your sage advice. What should I do? My wife and I are starting to think we’ll never have grandchildren.
Signed,
Desperate To Be a Grandpa
Dear Desperate,
You have to save your daughter from herself. It’s time to sit her down and tell her that she needs to find a man. A stable one, who pays his taxes, and who knows what she needs better than she ever will–just like you do.
Never forget, that’s what a father is. A man who controls his daughter’s life because he has the experience to know what a woman needs. We’ve seen women, talked to them, dated them, and married a few. No one knows women better than us.
Dad-Knows-All