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Have you or your loved ones been injured in an automobile collision? Maybe a workplace accident involving a table saw? Did a horseshoe crab inject you with sea herpes? Call me, Stort Steckerson at Steckerson, Miff, and Slough, Attorneys at Law!
Together, we’ll sue the ever-loving shit out of that old lady who injured you in an automobile accident. We will not settle. We will go to court and put that old lady on the stand. We will ask questions such as: Why were you driving under the influence? Are you a chronic substance abuser and is blue your natural hair color? We bet it is not. We bet that if we call your grandchildren and ask them they will agree that blue is not your natural hair color and that you like to hit the sherry before driving to the car wash. They will tell us that you you pay for the premium deluxe, the everything, and sit behind the wheel while your Buick LeSabre drifts through the machine. You sit behind the wheel, tight on sherry, and when the scrubbing starts, the vibrations, you feel what you haven’t felt in ages. Your palms are moist as you grip the steering wheel. As the very blue soap glazes your windshield, you glaze the seat. Your memory is a vast tableau of smut. Every indecency and indiscretion savored. It is, in simplest terms, pornography.
Then the rinse and the bright sunshine. You and the car emerge bright and dry like new grub worms from thawed spring soil and with awful glee in your heart you floor it out of there and T-bone my client.
You smut. You criminal.
We will call your foreman to ask about that rickety table saw, the one about which you and Craig and other Craig lodged complaints. We will call his office, his cell, and his home phone, and if he is not there, we will converse with his wife. Look at us, this team of lawyers. Look at our bright white teeth, our carefully sculpted hair. Do you think us artless? Do think us crass? We will woo Mrs. Foreman with charm and guile. We will ask about her sister with the infected hangnail and her brother with gout. Unlike her husband we will be deeply affected by each and every mundanity she discards. We will acknowledge that her feelings, contrary to small and insignificant, are likewise felt by the great American mass with gouty brothers and hangnailed sisters. We all of us take her out to dinner, gentlemanly and kind, to experience in person the prism of absolute boredom that is her life, and we will like it. We will return her home intact and respected, which is more than Craig has ever done, and when we call the next day she will tell us how you knew the table saw was faulty and how the blame, all the blames, lie on your shoulders. She is right. And then we got you.
We at Steckerson, Miff, and Slough know you are a good, kind person. We know you went to the beach with the best of intentions. But there was vodka involved and too much sun and whoops! You stepped on a horseshoe crab and whoops! It stung you. Now you have the sea herpes. Most doctors don’t know what that is. We don’t know what that is. But we’re not doctors. And neither is the horseshoe crab! That’s our whole case. If there are, say, legal obstacles that prevent us from subpoenaing a horseshoe crab and dragging its armored ass to court, we will personally take care of the matter. We will drive to the beach in our expensive suits, wearing expensive sunglasses. Have we mentioned we have very white teeth? Have we mentioned we fairly gleam? With our big hair blasted by wind, our desire for violence takes on new dimensions. It is so strange it makes people in Florida damp.
Think on that. Think hard.
We will find the horseshoe crab who gave you sea herpes and kick the ever-loving shit out of it. We will hold it up and pummel it. We will punt it. We will dash its armored bodice against whatever the fuck we can find, driftwood, a rock, a hobo, and we will mete out the justice you so rightly deserve.
So give us a call today and let Steckerson, Miff, and Slough absolutely body your opponents.