SOUTH LUANGWA, Zambia—An area giraffe bought out the lion’s share Tuesday in a majority bid comprised of bond issuance and private equity totaling 6.5 million zebra futures. Sources note that the high premium has placed great stress on the giraffe’s capital structure.
“The zebras were a huge asset,” one analyst said. “It’s unclear going forward how the giraffe means to generate value with a new savannah full of antelope and a swamp with some hippos in it.”
“An acquisition should be about creating synergies, not speculating,” said Adnon Koloff, former general councilmember of the World Trade Organization. “If you want to go [expletive] around with a hippopotamus in the swamp somewhere, that’s what investment banks are for.”
He added: “But that’s giraffes for you, always raising Cain.”
Amidst criticism, supporters remain hopeful that the move will allow for better coordination of related resources.
“With a forest of acacia trees as working capital already, we expect the antelope to compound rapidly post-merger,” a spokesman for the giraffe told reporters. “Eat or be eaten, that’s the law of the jungle.”
The giraffe’s acacia forest was appraised last year at a net present value of 734,000 lemurs.