SALT LAKE CITY—Patrons of frozen yogurt titan TCBY believe that superstring models are more likely than loop quantum gravity to produce a unified field theory wherein all physical laws converge, a company-run survey suggests.
The survey, accessed via QR code at the bottom of customer receipts post-purchase, found that two thirds of respondents somewhat to strongly agree that “superstring theory clearly offers the better framework, despite no current evidence of supersymmetry between bosons and fermions”.
Responses to the essay portion revealed a general reluctance to supplant “galaxy formation models reliant on dark matter” with recent Modified Newtonian Dynamics models like AQUAL, which assume different rotational speeds for inner and outer celestial bodies. “We really expected the discrepancies in mass for tidal dwarf galaxies to move the needle in favor of AQUAL,” mused study chair Dr. Alexei Petrov. “Alas, it was not to be so.”
Upon completing the survey, each participant received a fifteen-percent-off coupon for a small mango lime sorbet.