For July 26, 2024
Capricorn — you’re the G.O.A.T, Capricorn, and by that we mean Growing Old And Tired. Aim younger or look into hair transplants.
Aquarius — you’re on thin ice at work. Who can you get to carry your water? Ask the pregnant receptionist, her water is about to break.
Pisces — you’re gonna be famous! Prepare to live life in a fishbowl. (No, we don’t know what kind of famous — Menendez Brother, Tiger King, or Hawk Tuey girl. We can’t see THAT far ahead.)
Aries — you’re Ram tough! But you can’t dodge fate. Call an Uber, because you’re about to drive drunk into one of those cell phone towers made to look like a tree. Yikes.
Taurus — your significant other will have you seeing red tonight, Bull, but don’t do anything rash. They can trace DNA from horns, you know.
Gemini — it’s good to have a partner growing up to blame for whatever dumb crap you just pulled. But it’s not so good now, is it, when Papa and Mama split the will 50-50 down the middle? Just remind them of that time your sister finger-painted over the rare Winslow Homer they found at that garage sale.
Cancer — I’m very sorry. Thoughts and prayers.
Leo — the lion is the king of the jungle. But you don’t feel like you’re in charge of anything! Kids, wife, boss, IRS. Just take your 401K and put it on black at the casino. One way or the other your day will change.
Virgo — good for you, standing resolute against the army of marauding men who want to make you a FORMER Virgo! Just remember, you don’t have to sleep with a guy to get him to buy you a drink and a cab home. Just a hand on his knee will suffice.
Libra — justice is blind, but the scales are heavily weighted toward the rich and the powerful. Your only hope is to come up with some new trend we didn’t know we needed, like a mass-produced A.I. blowup doll. (Hey, that’s a pretty good idea!)
Scorpio — scorpions are really creepy, aren’t they? I mean, who else walks around with their tail up over their head, ready to sting you to death? Aside from RuPaul.
Sagittarius — this is my sign. All is well.