Smiling doesn’t win you gold medals.
Simone Biles, Third Runner-up on Season 24 of Dancing with the Stars
Competitive Smiling
4-Meter Sprint
Mental Gymnastics (Assuring yourself that Trump can’t win the election)
Archery, À la The Hunger Games
Milk Gallon Challenge
Beer Pong
Dad Garage-Band Talent Show (Every group only plays Free Bird and is named “The Grateful Dad”)
Arm Wrestling
WWE Wrestling
Web Surfing
A Failed NBC knockoff of Survivor
IKEA Furniture Assembly
Singles Yoga
Doubles Yoga
Couples Therapy
Break Dancing (nevermind)
Axe Catching
Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater for Nintendo 64
Mega-golf
The Stanford Prison Experiment
Monkey Bar Racing
Bullfighting
Karate: Fly catching
Table Tennis: Fly Swatting
Competitive Dog Petting
Cyber Crime
Baseball