Well this isn’t fair at all. This is NOT what I had in mind. The Dark Side was so close to conquering the galaxy again. Now we have some new hotshot opponent standing in our way? I was right there to bring peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire.
All the stars and planets (the ones we hadn’t destroyed with the Death Star) were aligning for a sweeping victory for the Empire. We were certain we could beat that Obi Wan Kenobi. Or as I call him,”Sleepy Ben” or “Old Ben Kenobi.”
A confused dementia patient who was too old and too frail to offer much of a fight. In fact, the last time I faced him he offered some fortune cookie wisdom about becoming more powerful if he got struck down? I didn’t get that one. And then POOF, just up and disappears. Just rolled over and I won by TKO. It was weird. Great ratings though.
And After Sleepy Ben lost that fight I had this super boss quote. How that was the “end of Kenobi” and would soon see the “end of the rebellion”. We had so many tshirts printed for that. Now we can’t use them.
But now I find out Sleepy Ben isn’t actually my opponent anymore? That was the plan all along. Now I have to face a new coalition of young energized rebels? That hardly seems right.
The Empire was forced to spend time and money on fighting Old Ben Kenobi. He was doing so badly after having a terrible light saber battle so he quits the fight. Now we have to start all over again. Shouldn’t the Dark Side be reimbursed for fraud in that everybody around Sleepy Ben including his jedi, and the droids, knew he was not capable of winning. Just askin’?
I was having a great week too. The heir to an apartheid era emerald mine in the Outer Rim Territories who controls the largest hate speech forum in the galaxy just pledged $45 million a month to help us defeat Old Ben Kenobi. One of my stormtroopers took a shot at me recently, but being a stormtrooper he missed. I found his lack of faith disturbing. But it made me look tough and was terrific for my alpha male brand. Not like that beta cuck Anakin Skywalker. We had all this fresh energy as the Empire gathered in Naboo to reaffirm its loyalty to me.
And then I find out that Old Ben Kenobi is out and suddenly we have a real fight on our hands.
Uggh, and just as the Empire was ready to expand the map making a play for Cloud City. The Dark Side was poised to make gains on Hoth and other historically rebel-friendly planets. But that was predicated on just having to beat Old Ben Kenobi. Not on facing some precocious new Jedi empowered by the Force.
The rebels altered the terms of the deal. I pray they do not alter it any further.