We’ve finally done it folks! We secured 15 minutes to sit down and talk to the illustrious “Mop-Man” about his day to day essentials! We don’t want to put the cart before the horse, but he had some real crazy things you would never expect. It’s been 8 days since the interview and I still can’t wipe his gaze from my memory! He possessed a truly haunting aura!
Rock
I‘m not positive what he meant by this since he wouldn’t elaborate much further. He simply stated “rock” and it truly could mean anything. He could have meant something as grand as the Earth that we live on or maybe he has a pet rock? Maybe rock music? Again, he has a monstrous and intimidating atmosphere about him, so I was too afraid to push any further.
Whoopee Cushion
He pointed behind me. I thought he was indicating for me to look at something that was outside of the room we were speaking in, so I got up to check the door, and when I sat back down a massive fart noise came from under me. I stood back up to inspect while Mop-Man took out a notepad and began writing something down while chuckling to himself. I picked up a whoopee cushion and he snatched it from me and shoved it into his coveralls with the notepad and pencil he had just pulled out. I’m just going to assume the whoopee cushion means something to him and that he needs it every day.
Kiwis
I tried to get the interview going again, but before Mop-Man answered the next question he pulled out a kiwi and practically inhaled it. I asked him if he liked kiwis and he nodded. Just gonna chalk that one down as another daily essential.
A Philosophical Enquiry Into the Sublime and Beautiful
When I asked about the next thing he needed to have every day he quickly reached into his coveralls and produced A Philosophical Enquiry Into the Sublime and Beautiful by Edmund Burke. I felt as if someone had transported me into a new plane of existence as my grip on reality began to slip. I am still utterly confused as to the reason that Mop-Man would possess a book on essentialist philosophy, much less need it in his day-to-day, but it is certainly something he uses every day, I assume, so it made the list.
Mop
I still hadn’t collected my thoughts to return to a normal concept of humanity, much less what could be considered an interview, but during my daze I was pretty sure that he said the word “mop,” so I can only assume he was taking the reins of the interview. I’m glad he was able to keep us afloat while my mind drowned in a sea of thought.
Dance
I was still pretty loopy during this part, but he definitely liked to dance. He stood up and began to sway side to side while clapping rhythmically, which, strangely, seemed to ground me in reality again. I asked him if he liked to dance and he said “fuck yeah.” Mop-Man can really groove too.
House of Cards
Once he sat back down from dancing, he seemed to want to keep the conversation going, and asked me “what’s next?” So, I asked him if there were any shows or songs he watched/listened to everyday. He said he loves the show “House of Cards” and really wanted to talk about it, but I thought it was best to not get into it.
Hip-hop duo “Run the Jewels”
I tried to move the conversation towards music, and he emphatically stated “Run The Jewels is the best rap group” which is pretty dope. He said RTJ 2 was his favorite album. I couldn’t help but say “hell yeah” and then he dapped me up.
Cleaning
I asked him if there were any other things he has to do every day and I really stressed that it should be something abnormal, which I’m not sure if that word means anything to him or not, but he said “cleaning.” Which I guess makes sense for the janitor here at Robot Butt HQ, but I suppose I was hoping for something a bit more sensational. Honestly? Thinking about it more feels comforting in a way.
Me
I asked if Mop-Man had any last things to add to the list of stuff he simply couldn’t live without and he pointed at me. He said “our souls are bound to one another. We are all intertwined by the universe and fated to be so for eternity.” I stood up at this point and told him “It’s been real man, but I can’t do this right now.” I left the room and Mop-Man just sitting there. I could only catch a glimpse of his face as I tried to hide myself from his gaze as we left each others’ vision, but I could definitely see a smile beneath his immense beard. I fear he was right. I am afraid that we are truly intertwined by the universe and what it all means, but Mop-Man knows.
–
I haven’t seen Mop-Man around the office since the interview last Wednesday, but the HQ is looking cleaner than usual. I haven’t heard anything about anyone new being hired, and we don’t have a particularly large office here, so I would know if someone new showed up. I’ve tried asking around if anyone has seen Mop-Man and no one seems to know who I’m talking about. I even tried looking up “Roman Rowley” with HR and they said no one by that name is employed here. Nothing shows up on Google either, at least not our Mop-Man.
