YOUR LIVING ROOM – Early polling is pointing towards that guy who only watches football three times a year having a lot to say at your upcoming Super Bowl watch party. Our studies revealed that despite not being a fan of either team, he’s going to be inexplicably angry at minor mistakes made by both.
Our statisticians have given an 89% chance of this person getting multiple players’ current teams wrong, saying they don’t want a low-scoring game, and referencing the Falcons Patriots Super Bowl like it wasn’t almost a decade ago.
Our top behavioral scientists say he’s extremely likely to question nearly every play call, even a handful that turn into a decent gain of yards. When presented with this, we recommend you don’t engage at all, but instead nod politely and don’t make eye contact.
It isn’t all bad, as we’ve all but confirmed that your most informed friend will be polite the entire game, only saying things like “no, I don’t think that’s right” and never what he is actually thinking. This commitment to peace will however be broken instantly if and when your uninformed friend begins talking over the halftime performance.
We’ve been told by our top analysts this tragedy is unavoidable.
