Contrary to popular opinion, there are indeed times in which a baby is not a welcome site.
5. A Trash Bin.
Imagine you’ve been cleaning your apartment. It was disgusting, but guess what? All you have left is to throw out the trash. The bag is dripping some mysterious liquid down the back of your leg, and it smells like death, but after you throw out this one, overstuffed bag, you are done; you already know the songs you’re going to sing in the shower and the wine glass you’re going to drink your rosé from as you watch America’s Got Talent.
Then, right as you are about to let go of the bag into the bin, what do you see?
A little trash baby.
Talk about a party pooper.
I mean now you have to do all this stuff for the baby: taking it to the hospital, touching the trash bin in order to pick it up, probably other things. And the baby also smells like trash, which sucks.
Oh, and there’s the fact that somebody left a baby in a trash can which probably lowers your general regard for humanity.
4. In the Arms of Your Ex-Girlfriend
You might be wondering why this is worse than a trash can. Well, the trash baby probably only ruined your day (and maybe the baby’s, I don’t know).
But this baby can very well ruin the rest of your life.
And even if this baby doesn’t turn out to be your baby, imagine how awkward that conversation is with your ex. I mean, you guys broke up six months ago. Explain the math on that Holmes.
3. Outer Space
Is this a very realistic place to find a baby? No, probably not.
In fact, the only time I’ve heard of a baby in space was that big giant space baby who traveled through time and saw the birth of the universe and whatnot in Kubrick’s documentary 2001: A Space Odyssey.
That being said, I feel like meeting that baby would suck. I mean, first of all, you went to space to get some alone time, and here’s this baby getting all up in your personal space (get it, personal space). Also, the baby has seen the entire history of everything, so are we really going to pretend like this baby isn’t going to drone on and on about it?
Thank but no thanks, giant space baby.
2. At a Meeting for Adults Who Suffer From an Extreme Fear of Babies
Again, probably not the most realistic scenario, but you cannot deny that, objectively, this would be a terrible place to see a baby.
First of all, we must assume that you would be a participant in said meeting since it is extremely unlikely a group with such an embarrassing shared trait would be welcoming to others who are not also babyphobes.
Therefore, imagine the horror you would fear if, in the one place in the entire world you think you can let down your guard and be safe from the wretched infants, one was to appear.
It would be pandemonium.
1. The Mirror
What’s worse than seeing a baby?
Being one.
So long rights, working thumbs, or the ability to control one’s flatulence. You are a baby. Again, this is not a very realistic scenario, but maybe you suffer from some variant of Benjamin Button’s disease, or you angered a witch recently. Either way, it happened and now you must suffer the consequences.
“But you can use what you have learned previously in life to become a better person this time,” you say?
Yeah right.
First of all, what have you learned that is applicable to adolescence anymore?
What, are you going to hit on girls? Pervert.
Get better grades? You haven’t read a book in three years and last week you used your phone to figure out 63-7.
If we’re being fully honest, the only thing you’ve learned in months is a bunch of weird stuff about terrible places to find a baby.
Also, you are a baby without parents who probably has student debt and addiction to your cell phone. So good luck with all of that.
Me, on the other hand? I recognize the horror that is looking back at me through those adorable eyes.
Keep an eye out in the future if you sense yourself entering any of those situations, and remember, they’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them.
