INT. UNITED STATES CAPITOL BUILDING — EVENING
81-year old Donald Trump stands at a podium, radiating arrogance and dementia.
TRUMP: Hello America, it’s your favorite President. But also, in another sense, goodbye America. This will be my final State of the Union as your favorite President — your best President too, by a longshot, everyone knows it. Even the haters. Better than Lincoln even. Stinkin Lincoln I call him. When compared to me. I smell good. Men smell me and cry. Big strong men. Tears in their eyes say, “Can I smell you sir? That’s incredible, your smell,” they say. Not gay.
Every Republican stands and applauds for 3 minutes…
…Trump takes it in… then his eyes lose focus… he slowly tips forward… eyes start to close… he might be falling aslee– he FARTS! — and jolts back awake.
TRUMP: Being the 47th and 45th president has been your greatest honor. During my amdin — mandina — amdinistation, I ended unemployment, solved healthcare with a big beautiful plan that everyone will love when I introduce it any week now, and I wiped out inflation. And also deflation. I only left the flation. Which is what you want. Perfect flation. No one thought it could be done. They say, “Wow, sir…” Big strong men, tears in their eyes say, “Sir, no one thought it could be done. Just making it flation. But you did it.” I did do it. Then they smell me. I like women. Beautiful ones.
Every Republican stands and applauds for 5 minutes…
…Trump takes it in… he starts to do his patented YMCA dance — but loses control of an arm and accidentally PUNCHES House Speaker Mike Johnson in the face –
–Mike falls over–
–Trump points and laughs at him–
–Every Republican now points and laughs at Mike Johnson — who finally jumps back up… then points and laughs at himself….
TRUMP: Shut up!
They do.
TRUMP: I also ended all wars. Even the ones that never existed. I ended them so good people don’t know what war is anymore. It doesn’t exist — and like it never did. People say, “War? What’s that?” Big strong men, tears in their pies say, “What is war, sir? Did you just invent that word? There’s so much peace I don’t even know that word anymore.” I smell them. Their pies. I eat pizza with a fork.
Every Republican stands and applauds for 7 minutes…
Trump takes it in… until BLOOD begins to slowly drip out of his nose… he puts his hand to his upper lip, feels the blood… wipes it… stares at it on his fingers… staring… at the blood…
…Others start to notice…an uneasiness drifts over the crowd…
…Trump keeps staring at the blood… so much blood… so much–
TRUMP: GOLDEN AGE!!!
He goes silent again…
Republicans don’t know what to do — some SIT, some STAND, but all WEEP…
TRUMP: Shut up!
They shut up even more than before.
TRUMP: But that’s not all! Act now! Finally. It’s your finally! Your final chance to give me money. Introducing my new money idea…
Donald reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a handful of LOOSE CLAMS.
TRUMP: Clams. Trump Clams! Elegant. Salt. Ocean. It’s from there. Biggest one. WEtTest too.
The clams fall haphazardly from his weak, tiny hands…
Cautious, scattered applause…
TRUMP: Honey siddown, I got you tRump Clams, you say. She swoon. Slide down, slides dowhnher gullet. Gulley. Gull…
The blood keeps flowing, splattering the clams and pooling on his podium…
TRUMP: Glamor. Glam — Clamor? Is that something? Clamor! We’ll look into that. We’re LooKing inTO that. Clam — TrumpClams.Clams! Make! Clamagain! Clamagin! Clamagin! Clamagin! Clamagin!
REPUBLICANS (cautiously): Clam… agin (?)… Clam…agin… Clam…
TRUMP (pumping fist now): Clamagin! Clamagin! Clamagin! Clamagin!!!
REPUBLICANS (now fully in): Clamain! Clamagin! Clamagin! Clamagin!
TRUMP: Clama–!
Trump drops face first onto his podium, splashing into the blood and clams.
Republicans shout “Clamagin” for 17 and a half minutes…
…then lift Trump’s limp body onto their shoulders…
…a handful of them grab Trump’s clams and swallow them whole — including the shell…
…Mike Johnson kisses Trump but tries to make it look like an accident…
…they parade him out on their shoulders too scared to say that he’s dead in case he’s not and hears them and then gets really mad at them and nothing matters anyway he gets voted back into office for a hundred more years until 98 percent of mankind is wiped out by clam poisoning and the few survivors don’t know how to do anything because no one wrote instructions for how to do anything down and plus there’s no more internet so everything starts from scratch and history eventually repeats itself over the ensuing millennia all the way up to and including this clam-pocalypse and such is the human condition just try to have some fun while you’re here I guess and jesus at the very least just be kind to each other it’s not that fucking hard but also really honestly what the fuck do I know not much I guess.
Oh, also through all this Democrats do nothing.
THE END.