‘Scuse me, cowpoke. I haven’t seen you around here before. I’m the sheriff of this here town you’ve stopped in. I’ve seen your type before. Black coat, black boots, black hat. All black except that shiny silver six shooter hanging on the hip there. I bet yer thinkin’ this whole saloon hushed and whispered when your spurs came through that swingin’ door because we all know you’re one bad outlaw. Well, think again and then think it through a third time, it was actually because according to code 6-7a set by the town fire marshall, having over twenty-five people inside exceeds the occupancy limit and puts us at a higher risk of danger in the event of an emergency requiring us to exit in a speedy but organized fashion… pardner.
Now, this can go simple. You can walk right back out that 36 by 80 inch oak-wood doorway and be on your merry way back to the open range, or we can settle it the hard way. You see, around here we honor, participate in, and most importantly enforce the annual census, and according to the most recent class 9 population in relation to land mass report, this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
Whoa now, ease up there cowboy. You can let go of that Bowie knife I see you gripping under the table. I just mean to tell ya that operating off of this decennial count orchestrated by our census bureau economic indicators, our town, my town, has a roughly estimated occupancy limit of 150 people. Any more is considered overpopulation and puts a wrench into the cog of the machine that we round here like to call appropriate allocation of resources. You got that, or should I tell it to ya again through six pellets of iron?
If you’re still adamant about stayin’, then I guess I have no choice. Today at noon, I’ll meet you outside under the clock tower and we can have this thing out. Ten paces between us, firing when the bell tolls. Stranger, before you make your decision I implore you to take a long gander at this six point, 5 square inch metal star on my shirt and think long and hard about what it means ‘round here.
Alright then, gunslinger, I can tell by how you just adjusted the brim of your hat and spit in that spittoon bucket all unintimidated like, that you mean to stay and see this thing through. I do respect the gall you must have to hang around and put blood on the sand, but pardner, since we’re doing this I feel a need to strive for clarity so that there isn’t any kind of mishap or trickery.
Our town is right outside the 15th longitude zone of the Western Hemisphere, firmly rooting us in the pacific time zone, so when I said noon, that would be twelve o’clock P.M. Pacific standard time. Bring yourself a pistol and coffin, even though you’ll only end up using one.
Oh, almost forgot. The clock tower is located at the end of town, at 23 North 42 West, due to our town’s newly introduced grid system. We are still working out the kinks but it’s made locational mapping more convenient and consistent. I better speak up so you can hear me over your boots shaking.
I’d bet 8 of my hat’s ten gallons that you couldn’t hit me with six shots from my own holster, so I ain’t worried one bit when I tell you that by ten paces I mean a pace as in a unit of length consisting of one normal walking step of approximately 0.75 meters or 30 inches. We’ll dig our spurs in exactly ten of those apart, then the last thing you’ll ever see is a small glare as the glint of ol’ Shenandoah here rises up to strike you down.
Yeah, If that nice suit is filled with any guts at all I bet you’ll show. Then one of us will be left in town, and the other will be left under it. Of course, if it’s you that waltzes back in unscathed, you’ll need to fill out the proper relocation paperwork. I can have article 3 forms covering long term residency drawn up by Monday, but then you’ll need a permit for-
BANG.Oh… What’s this? Blood? It would appear you’ve already shot me. This is quite unexpected, like a lasso ‘round a cactus. You’re awfully quick with that thing. Look at that, I’ve dropped to my knees and things are getting blurry. You really hit me square in the chest. By square I clearly mean the alternative dictionary defining it as a synonym for firmly, and not the math definition meaning…