This is unfortunately real. It appears that in May of 2023 I started a draft of what I can only assume was going to be an article for this website with the words “Dear Funko.”
While combing my folders for finished or unfinished pieces, I stumbled across what is potentially my magnum opus, or what was potentially not a comedy article at all.
For reasons I wish I could remember, I wrote “Dear Funko” into a Google doc titled “Funko request,” then closed it, and moved on with my life. Here is a screenshot showing when I created this doc and when I opened it again for genuinely the first time since creating it.
Did I have a funny idea for an article where I plead to them with some insane request? Was my entire bit going to be sending it to them for real? Was it not a bit at all? Was I going to message them genuinely, something I relevantly did in the year 2017.
Yes, that’s right, in 2017 I submitted a ticket on the Funko site using their contact us page. They have a specific option for suggesting Funkos you wish they would make. In 2017 I asked them to make the monster from the movie Cloverfield. They actually responded, telling me that this was a semi-popular request and that they have considered it, but the rights are apparently complicated.
To my knowledge, they’ve still never made this cool monster into a Funko, but thank goodness, they made one of its producer, J.J. Abrams.
Apparently it’s much easier to secure the rights to a human being than a monster that has appeared in exactly one and a half films. Sure.
Okay, so let’s go down this rabbit hole. What if I was going to send a real request? What was it? Well, let’s look at the only lead we have. The date. May 10, 2023. I just searched to see what was going on that day. It’s mostly international tragedies and war, which I feel confident isn’t what inspired this piece.
However, something else happened. U.S. representative George Santos was charged with 13 counts of fraud and taken into custody. Could this be the key? Did I want to request a cool new George Santos Pop Figure so I don’t have to 3D print one myself?
While I am a big fan of drag, I don’t think this was it either. Because before asking them to make that I’d just settle for this official bobblehead that already exists for reasons I’m not smart enough to figure out.
We’re off track. I just wanted you to know, before I hand over this investigation, that I’m not above sending an actual message to this collectible company.
So, what was I typing? I don’t know! My gut says I had a stupid joke idea and instead of writing it out or making a note I might actually understand, I opened this doc and wrote the heading. I guess I thought I’d jump back in that day or something.
I am not joking at all when I request that if you’re one of those people that devotes 10 hours to digging up evidence to discredit a Reddit comment, please scrape my data or whatever and figure out what this article was supposed to be about. It might have been really funny and I could use a win today.