TALLAHASSEE – A local turtle that has chosen to remain anonymous was completely emasculated this morning when it was picked up and carried out of the road by a child who just happened to be riding his bike nearby. Ten-year-old Scott Wilson saw the turtle and carried him out of the road, trying to make sure he wouldn’t be at risk of a car hitting him. Apparently, the turtle was humiliated by the act.
“I’ve been alive nearly a hundred years, and now I can’t even walk by myself? Some snot-nosed punk gotta come by and yoink me? You have any idea what it’s like gettin’ yoinked? Walking back home after a horrible first date, just wanting this nightmare of a day to be over. Needing the thrill of crossing a busy street. Deep down wondering if maybe I secretly want to get hit? Then having that thought interrupted by a sudden yoinking? No, of course you don’t.”
We tried to ask some follow-ups to the turtle, most notably about this date, but he turned and walked off after his initial statement. We watched him go for a few hours, considering if we should ask more questions or offer to help him home, but after he’d made it a few feet we decided he was too far gone.