Hey you. Yeah you, you stupid fuck. You see any other mouth-breathing moron staring at his phone instead of the goddamned sidewalk?
News flash for you, bro: you’re a fucking asshole. Only a complete asshole or a complete fucking idiot would step on my nuts with shit-laden hipster trash moccasins. That’s right, those are MY acorns, and I’m gonna scoop them up in my mouth because I’m a motherfucking squirrel and that’s how I roll.
Dude. I’m only gonna tell you one more time: Get. Off. My. Nuts.
That’s right. Walk away, you fucking fedora-wearer. If I see you back on this block, I will cut you.
And what the fuck’s your problem, Nancy Butler? That’s right, I know your name; hard to miss it with all the bullshit Better Homes and Gardens and Redbook magazines left outside your apartment door.
I also know you like birds, Nance.
Birds can go fuck themselves.
Birds, with their little peckers, just LOVE the feeder you put on the sycamore tree outside your window. But those avian fucknuts scare real easy; all I have to do is look at them sideways and they shit themselves. When I come round, that feeder is alllll mine, baby! No feather-puffed pigeon is gonna get in my way.
You’re a tougher cookie, Nance, I’ll give you that. I hear you yelling at me as I pull those sweet, sweet sunflower seeds out of your feeder. Yell all you motherfucking want, Nance. Shake your fist at me, even. Nothing’s gonna change my style.
And ohhhhhh shit! Here comes Lollipop. Who the fuck has a name like Lollipop? A little shit of Yorkshire terrier, that’s who. That butt-licking rat-faced dog has NOTHING on me and my game. You can yap all you want you shit-eating little fucker, but yipping all day ain’t gonna get you out of that hot pink leash your owner keeps you in. Even if you did get out, I could take you. My teeth don’t stop growing unless I gnaw on something, and I’ll gnaw your fucking face off if I get the chance. Try me.
Every day it’s the same old shit; everyone feels like they can walk all over me because I’m a motherfucking squirrel. I gotta laugh at those stupid fucks, though; they think they can take me, that I’m just some rodent with a bushy tail who thinks about nuts all day. And it’s true, I do think about nuts all day; I love those fucking nuts more than you love your sweet ol’ Grandma. But if you or your Grandma try to take what’s mine, I’ll rip your and Granny’s fingers off with my razor-sharp incisors and laugh while you bleed. Remember that. So, the next time you’re walking down my street, pay me the respect I deserve. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.
That’s a fucking promise.