You feel the dread, don’t you? The doubt over your continued survival? You’re thinking of all the exotic diseases you will get from my greasy wooden soul. Leprosy? I can give you that. Walking pneumonia? Check. Infectious diarrhea? Don’t tempt me.
I’m the fucking grim reaper, kemosabe.
By the way, you know what the leading cause of amputations was in the Civil War? Not steel ball bearings or cannon fire or horse tramplings. The leading cause of amputations was splinters. Trust me, I did my research.
Your body will grow over me, encasing me like a cozy cocoon from which I will build my nefarious domain. That little brown spec that sinks beneath your skin won’t just go away. I’m wood, motherfucker. Wood doesn’t evaporate like blood. Speaking of which, look at all this blood. What shall I share with it? Tuberculosis? Malaria?
Your world is mine now. Your body will never be the same. You’ll suffer boils and welts, your eyesight will leave you, you will sprout a hump on your back from endless nights hunched over, trying to pluck me out with your flimsy fingernails.
Fun fact: When Moses went to free his people from the pharaoh, you know what the emergency eleventh plague was? Widespread splinters. I guess the pharaoh got wind of this and was all like, “F that, let his people go. I can cope with losing my firstborn, but splinters? Get out of town.”
I like to see the fear in your eyes. I like to see the distrust when you look at even the shiniest, varnished wood. Hardwood floors? Good luck walking. You ever play that game as a kid where the floor is lava? Well, now it is. Only instead of lava it’s tiny wooden halberds or a pit of mini kebab sticks.
I wish I had good news for you. Actually, I don’t. I am the embodiment of evil, a flake of Satan’s dandruff. Let’s say you manage to beat me, which you won’t. Do you know how many more will follow? I mean, Satan refuses to use Head & Shoulders solely so he can keep a steady supply of splinters buried in the flesh of mortals like you. Sinister, right?
Anyway, good luck living through this. Because you won’t.
