I don’t care what your Christmas plans are. They’re done. Cancel them.
There is no room for Christmas cheer or happiness of any kind for the rest of this year, as Eddie, the Oregon Zoo’s slam dunking and masturbating otter, has died at the ripe old age of 20.
Rescued in 1998 from the California coast, Eddie had lived at the Oregon Zoo since 2000, making him one of the oldest of his kind. But that’s not the only thing that made him a hero.
Eddie could dunk a basketball – thunderous, ferocious dunks that amazed visitors (and helped his aging, arthritic elbows) and once drew a visit from the Portland Trailblazers front office, which was considering the possibility of giving Eddie a ten-day contract. And, in perhaps the most impressive feat the animal kingdom has ever seen, Eddie could suck his own dick.
That’s right, Eddie was the most athletically gifted otter on the planet, and he used his abilities in ways you and I could only dream of. Best of all, Eddie put those skills on constant display for us, dazzling us with his dunks and dick sucking for years.
Now he’s gone, and we’re just supposed to celebrate Christmas like nothing happened. I know Eddie would want us to move on, regale the family with tales of his masturbating prowess, but I’m making the executive decision: Christmas is canceled in remembrance of him. It’s what he deserves.
Please, use this time to mourn the most talented animal on Earth, and to think of ways you can honor his memory in the new year.
May you rest in peace, my king.
