For generations, it’s been a Christmas tradition to put up a nativity scene, celebrating the long journey Mary and Joseph made to Bethlehem where she gave birth to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God #2. (God #1 is still money!)
However, the story of Christmas, with its insane notion of empathy toward weary travelers, is no longer in line with GOP policy. Therefore, we’ve updated the nativity so that the racism and xenophobia of Republicans falls perfectly in line with the Bible.
They are as follows:
- The nativity no longer takes place in a barn, but instead Jesus, Mary, and Joseph will be placed in a makeshift internment camp surrounded by barbed wire and uncaring guards. Jesus’ cries for water will be ignored.
- After he’s wrapped in his swaddling clothes, infant Jesus will have a number drawn on his arm in Sharpie, denoting his number in line for applying for political asylum in Bethlehem.
- Mary will be separated from Jesus, and transferred to a different prison camp. She’s also no longer the Virgin Mother because she was raped by a member of the Border Patrol, who’ll get a two-week suspension with pay.
- Joseph was clearly faking the whole “tired” and “hungry” thing. It’s very clear that he is either part of MS-13 or ISIS. He was immediately deported back to Nazareth and will never see Mary or Jesus ever again.
- The donkey was too “politically correct,” so now it wears a racially insensitive sombrero from Party City.
- Instead of the ox, there’s a perfect replica of Wall Street’s “Charging Bull,” staring angrily at Jesus like the poor immigrant he is.
- The shepherds have ditched their robes and canes for tactical assault gear. Instead of tending to flocks of sheep, they hurl canisters of tear gas at sobbing women and children.
- The original magi were much too Muslim-y. Instead, the three wise men are now Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and a foaming-at-the-mouth Alex Jones. Rather than bringing gifts to the newborn king, they keep calling his family an “invasion.”
Thanks for reading the GOP’s updates to the birth of Jesus! Please make these changes to the nativity scene before December 25 so no one confuses you for one of those devout, caring, empathetic, compassionate, Bible-reading Christians.
