Summer is upon us, a polychromatic explosion of life reviving our feebly aspirating, wilted souls. You know what that means – it’s time to rank this year’s top frogs!
5. Giant Waxy Monkey Tree Frog
With its sun-blocking secretions, the giant waxy monkey tree frog seems to enjoy a simple existence as it sleeps for hours under the fiery Amazonian sun. But stare deeply into the eyes of this frog, and one thing becomes clear – this is a tormented beast.
What’s behind our three-toed friend’s existential turmoil?
The very secretion that protects our fifth-best frog from burning to death is – you guessed it – illegally used in the US as a powerful performance-enhancing drug for racehorses.
The giant waxy monkey tree frog teaches us valuable lessons on both preventative skin care and striving to overcome the labels unfairly placed on us by society. Sometimes, it takes an emotionally tortured accidental drug kingpin frog to really shed light on the human condition.
4. Ghost Glass Frog
Everyone knows that classic story of God accidentally creating the Ghost Glass Frog by picking his nose over a batch of frog potion, but did you know that this frog is one of only four amphibians that can see ghosts?!
WOW!
I know what you’re wondering – is this a frog I can trust? The truth is you can’t, but at the same time, you can’t afford not to.
3. Vietnamese Mossy Frog
When I initially met this frog, I’ll admit, the first thing that crossed my mind was, “Is this a frog or the fake Instagram my ex uses to watch my stories? Becauase this guy’s clearly pretending to be something he’s not.”
Turns out it’s a frog! An excellent frog!!
This frog’s knobbly mosslike protuberances, like all mosslike protuberances, are more than just mosslike protuberances – they’re silent monuments to an unwritten thesis. They beg us to consider what makes something true to its identity. Through imitation are we disingenuous? Or, perhaps, in pretending to be someone else, do we become more ourselves???
Five stars for this little weirdo.
2. Indian Bullfrog
I mean, just look at those neck balloons:
1. Black Rain Frog
This year’s top frog isn’t a frog – it’s a way of life.
Black rain frogs tunnel through the dirt like surly, hairless weasels. Incredible!
When threatened, they puff themselves up like little grief-stricken balloons. Adorable!
While mating, lady rain frogs secrete a sticky goop from their backs to prevent male frogs from slipping away. Relatable!
This is a top frog, ladies and gentlemen. In fact, I think we can all agree that this year’s #1 frog – this bumpy, stumpy, grumpy-grump – is more god than frog.
