Following the ongoing epidemic of mass shootings, lawmakers are becoming increasingly concerned about America’s wax reserves, which are rapidly depleting.
“We’ve been getting a lot of phone calls,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s clear Americans have had it with these low wax levels. We’re not deaf to the pleas of the people of this great country, so we need to act.”
Though lowered wax reserves have been an issue in previous decades, it’s been only within the last twenty years that the levels have dropped to such alarming proportions, according to experts at the Wax Council.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Richard Bates, a Wax Researcher at Johns Hopkins. “It’s frankly sickening.”
Current proposals by Republican lawmakers include turning over national park land to candle wax production, melting down old candles “to see how far that gets us,” and spending $406 billion indiscriminately. Democrats, meanwhile, have voiced concerns about the ongoing donations Republicans receive from White Barn and Yankee Candle, but this has yet to deter the push for greater wax production.
“We have to do something about this immediately,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I can’t imagine anything more urgent.”
