The tournament to end all tournaments is here (until we probably do another one of these)! We’ve combed through seven years’ worth of posts on Robot Butt, culling it down to 64 of our favorites through a painstaking review process (you can see the full list of posts here).
And now, the time has come to crown a champion.
Voting to determine The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time® will take place on Twitter, but you can access all of the matchups here and on our other social media channels.
Now exercise your rights and start voting!
Sewer Clowns and Pig Dick Region, Round 1
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
Not All Sewer Clowns Are Eldritch Demonic Entities of Evil (@haviddenne)
vs.
Other Things to Do in Fargo Besides Kidnapping Schemes (@MichaelFerro)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
'Tis the Season! Our Fruitcake Is Back With Less Pig Dick (@cssmthtwts)
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How to Subtly Ask If He'd Be Into a Multi-State Murder Spree (Without It Getting Awkward!) (@cryingbaseball)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
Bridge Jumper Must Not Care If People Late for Work (@itsdavidcalkins)
vs.
Problems Only Guys Who Have Tarantulas Instead of Hands Can Understand (@brianbooone)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
'How I Sleep at Night' by Sean Hannity (@khyphenrowe)
vs.
A Defense, of Sorts, for Me Setting Your House on Fire (@noochens)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
The Time Has Come to Arm All Santa Clauses (@Tyler_Holme)
vs.
4 Tips for Sprucing Up That Room in Your House Where Everyone Will Shit on Thanksgiving (@jesstaylorprice)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
Students Nationwide Celebrate Start of Summer Break From School Shootings (@oldmattymatt)
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As President of This Secret Society, I Pledge to Make It Just as Weird as the Movies (Benjamin Page)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
How to Smoke Brisket While Being Forced to Bond With My Stepson Ethan (@sweet_puppy42)
vs.
Six Summer Vacation Spots for the Teacher Who Gave My Son a C (@chrtucci)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 23, 2020
Fundraiser Buys Drama Club New Fuck Couch (@BronsonArcuri)
vs.
Ragtag Group of Misfits Soundly Defeated by Disciplined Team From Rich Part of Town (@HolyShitItsKipp)
Sexting Lewd Elves Region, Round 1
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family (@JTScatCat)
vs.
How Much Monster Mashing Is Too Much Monster Mashing? (@HuskyLees)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
I Read the 5 Scariest ‘Goosebumps’ Books and Wasn’t Even Scared (@WaltBraleyUU)
vs.
A Letter From Camp by a Homesick Child Who Learned to Speak by Reading Thought Catalog (@ideaslucy)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
Elf on the Shelf Arrested for Lewd Conduct (@TimThinksThings)
vs.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and My Father Will Hear About This! (@nickbrigis)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
Our Small-Town Harvest Festival Isn’t That Creepy, Nosy Stranger (@BleeSevens)
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12 Decorating Tips for a Warm and Welcoming Paramilitary Bunker (@PrincessSnarkle)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
My Summer as an Infowars Intern (@Sam_the_stone)
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Scammers Are Tricking People Into Trusting Them, Falling in Love With Them, and Living With Them for the Rest of Their Lives (@not_SPAM_)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
Man Who Dreams of Being World’s Best Waiter Begrudgingly Accepts Acting Role (@ronnypascale)
vs.
Wet February Is Here to Fuck You Back Up (@tinaneidlein)
Greatest RB Post of All Time Tourney, Round 1
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
My Daughter’s Sexts to Her Boyfriend Are Riddled With Grammatical Errors. What Should We Do? (Arya Sajan)
vs.
God Has Put It on My Heart to Ask You Out for Coffee This Weekend and Then to Marry Me in Six Months (@HunnaGardnah)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 22, 2020
New Year’s Resolution Already Failed: My Wife Hired a Hitman to Kill Me (@NahitsjustAlex)
vs.
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to Encase Kid Rock (@kevinpnye)
Nihilist Dogs Region, Round 1
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Apartment Infested With Bees? Show Your Landlord You’re Still Totally Reasonable About It (@clhubes)
vs.
7 Quotes About Nihilism That Perfectly Capture My Fourth Grader’s Current Mood (@hannahkane)
Greatest RB Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Last 1-800-COLLECT Employee Unsure of Room for Growth at Company
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5 Causes of the Civil War That Had Nothing to Do With Raiding General Lee’s Compound Before the Genetically Enhanced Super Soldiers Hatched From Their Eggs
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Signs Your Hallmark Christmas Movie Character Is About to Be Replaced by a Well-Trained Dog (@tylerwatamanuk)
vs.
Zillow Listings From an Orwellian Nightmare (@johnathanappel)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Study: Dogs Don’t Like Hugs, But Humans Do, So Fuck It (@HerMaddesty)
vs.
12 GUARANTEED Ways to Get More Free Bread (@rudedaubings)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Can You Get the Property Brothers the Fuck Out of My House? (@acteeley)
vs.
Biking to Work Great Way to Be Sweaty, Late (@VictorColfari)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Take My Kids, But Please, Leave Me My Instant Pot (@LazyGinger)
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Social Distancing Tips for Absent Fathers (Robin Doody)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
Climate Scientists Discover There’s Still Time for One Last Night Out With the Boys (Daniel Neary)
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Arrested Improv Comedian ‘Yes Ands’ Himself Into Terrorism Charge (@SnarkHandler)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 21, 2020
I’m the Guy Your Mom Warned You About… If Your Mom Warned You About Guys Who LOVE Solving Riddles! (Dan Caprera
vs.
Nobody Really Sure What Cowboy Character Is Doing in ‘Dracula’ (@BullenRoss)
Farts and Violence Region, Round 1
Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tourney, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
Paul Ryan Introduces Legislation Allowing Only People in First Place in Mario Kart to Get Blue Shells (@TheMikeBedard)
vs.
Every Day Americans Drift Further From Christ’s Body Mass Index (@Robert__McGee)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
Who Was a Worse Father: Mufasa or God? (@Deviled_Meggs)
vs.
Pentagon Deploys Thousands of Teachers to War-Torn Classrooms (@MrZachJustice)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
This Is Where I Fart (@citizenspain)
vs.
Introducing Lady Doritos, Woman-Chips to Eat With Your Woman-Mouth! (@cbrotz)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
15 Questions You’ll Need to Ask Before You Shoot My Evil Double (@Mtmelzer)
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How Dare You Politicize This Tragedy (@TyPosting)
Greatest RB Post of All Time, Rd 1
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
Changes to the Haunted Hayride After Last Year’s ‘Lawsuit’ Regarding the ‘Real-Life Danger’ of Setting ‘Actual Wolves’ Loose on the Farm
vs.
Mom & Dad, I Know You Want Me to Study Art, But I Just Can’t Give Up My Dream of Being an Accountant
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
Clickbait Articles From a Dystopian Future (@chacod)
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How to Bake Aura-Filled Cookies Your Whole Family Will Enjoy (@lauraornella)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
In My Defense, I Never Thought a Black Friday Sale on Grand Pianos Would Get So Violent (@ZapThunder)
vs.
We Need to Fuck This Guy Up, But First, Let’s Figure Out Where I Should Stand (@aknott21)
The Greatest Robot Butt Post of All Time Tournament, Round 1 (links in thread)
— Robot Butt (@thisisrobotbutt) April 20, 2020
I’m Going on a Haunted House Tour for the History But Also Because I Really Want to Fuck a Ghost
vs.
Foolproof Ways to Trick Your Gastroenterologist Cousin Into Giving You Free Medical Advice
Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.