This summer, General Motors has recalled 29 million cars, 17 million of which for ignition problems. Sure, that’s bad, but what made it even worse was that documents posted by federal safety regulators revealed that GM knew about ignition switch problems that affected 6.7 million cars for 11 years.
So in other words, GM was completely fine letting people drive its cars, despite knowing what kind of safety risks that posed. It’s reprehensible corporate evil of the highest order, so it made me wonder: what if other companies were as shitty as GM?
“Sorry your toaster shot lightening bolts in every direction and killed your grandma. Sorry it’s been 11 years since we knew it did that and didn’t tell you about it.”
“Uh, sorry the Sunday newspaper was covered in bat blood. But 11 years isn’t too bad, right? It was only 572 Sundays. Could’ve been worse.”
“We gathered from all the deaths spanning the last 11 years that your least favorite tea kettle has a poltergeist problem. I told the CEO back then that we shouldn’t have used metal from that graveyard.”
“What’s that? You’re upset about your neighborhood being overrun by Michael Jordan clones who have been talking trash at you in your front yard for 11 years? Guess you shouldn’t have bought those Air Jordan 11’s after all.”
“We as a company offer our sincerest apologies regarding the acid coming out of your sprinklers. Those 4,000,000 children died too young. However, our stockholders are pretty jacked about our 30% profits over the past 11 years, so you can understand our dilemma.”
“Reports that our 2003 model shower heads have been recording all of your showers, which were then used for what we call ‘personal time,’ are unfortunately completely true. Our hearts are sorry but our boners are not.”
“We’re sorry for the inmate that escaped 11 years ago from our penitentiary. Yes, he went on an unreal murder spree, but think about how mad you would have been if we told you he escaped?”
