Daisy Buchanan
1. If you have a daughter, it’s okay to forget about her while your husband is having a physical affair and you’re having an emotional affair.
2. So your cousin seems oddly obsessed with your ex-boyfriend. Go with it. It’s probably nothing.
3. Moreover, if your ex-boyfriend manufactures a new identity and quadruples his wealth before buying a house that basically looks into yours, it’s a sign that he’s infatuated with you to a completely reasonable degree.
4. If you kill your husband’s mistress, said ex-boyfriend will cover for you, but you may also learn that he was – gasp – poor (at one time, but nouveau riche is almost worse than poor. Well, no, but it’s still not as good as old money.).
5. Go back to your husband. He cheats, but he’s super rich (old money).
Anne Shirley
1. If you break stuff over a boy’s head, he will fall in love with you and you will get married and have six children. But not before you spurn his affections as both a child and adult. This will only make him hotter for you.
2. You can be incredibly weird and have weird clothes, but that’s exactly the right kind of weird. You’ll be the most popular girl in your class.
3. Naming inanimate objects? Not just for six-year-olds!
4. Be just charming enough, and you’ll cure that agoraphobe forever.
5. …and that crotchety old woman down the street. Call her fat for good measure! If you apologize in the form of a flowery sonnet, she’ll get over it and love you like a daughter.
Holly Golightly
1. Refusing to name your pets adds to your whimsy. (This is in direct defiance of #3 under Anne Shirley. Remember: extremes are key.)
2. Furniture is highly overrated.
3. If your name is Holiday Golightly and you visit a man named Sally Tomato in Sing Sing, this will sound pretty legit to everyone.
4. When you have the aforementioned tendencies, men will love you for the rest of their natural lives, even if you’re involved in drug trafficking.
