I thought about going on a cashew diet, but that’s just nuts – as you’ll find of almost any extreme diet or doctrine.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work. You can’t force a premise.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick. Sometimes, the answers to life’s most difficult questions are also the most obvious.
Earth’s rotation really makes my day. Because with any new day comes the dawning of limitless possibility.
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes, Dad laughs. Sometimes, all Dad, or any of us, needs is a laugh.
I worked in a shoe shop. It was sole-destroying. Learn from my mistakes. Follow your passion.
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest. Too much navel-gazing by a public servant will cause him to lose sight of his civic duty.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around. Recovery takes time and often doesn’t happen on the first try.
I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I’m a faux pas. Parenthood is a privilege, not a right and never a burden.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe. But you can. Never take hard-fought equality for granted.
Want to hear a construction joke? I’m working on it – the same way I’m working on myself. Therapy indicates an attempt to better oneself and should be applauded.
What do Santa’s elves listen to as they work? Wrap music. Creativity and inspiration are most often found in diversity, not in homogeneity.
I made a pencil with two erasers. I thought it was pointless. Only when I grew older did I realize, no attempt, no matter how small, is futile. We often just need hindsight to discover what we’ve learned from the doing.
Don’t call me later, call me Dad. If you ever have friends made to feel ostracized by their own families, they can call me Dad as well. Always remember how lucky you are to come from a loving home.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I’m your dad? Orange you also glad you followed all social distancing measures? Even if you’re not among those at risk, it’s important to look out for the most vulnerable members of a society.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere. There are many things we should emulate from the French philosophy of work. There are many we should not.