Icemaker roulette: this handy appliance dispenses ice cubes… sometimes. Other possibilities include milk cubes, soy sauce cubes, or puddle water cubes, but you won’t know until they’re in your drink.
A cast-iron pan whose handle only burns the hands of your enemies. Twelve inches. With a well-seasoned intuition, this handy implement can root out the traitors among your innermost circle. Be warned, however. You can be your own worst enemy, and the pan will know.
A whisk imbued with your mother’s disappointment. Every time she sees you take down a beer, she reminds you that she had kids at your age. This failure to attain domestic bliss is what’s missing as you whisk endlessly, yet seem to reach only 75% yolk-white saturation.
A moderately-sized spoon is the necessary tool to bridge the gap between teacups and tables.
This strawberry deseeder creates the luxuriously smooth skin that you’ve desired yet lacked in past strawberries. Do you actually want this? Debatable, but the mirrorlike strawberries visually satisfy the primal urge to eat marbles.
A hybrid sink/soda fountain. Instead of hot and cold water, it’s lukewarm water and flat Mountain Dew. It’s perfect for washing Cheeto dust off of your hands and wondering why all of your high school friends are now more successful than you.
I’ll always recommend Tupperware that both remember the food most recently contained and the person who ate said food.
An abnormally limp spatula might seem useless, but when properly handled, it can firm up. It’s all about technique.
A macrowave. Like a microwave, but for drastic action.
This thermometer is perfectly accurate, but it never lists the unit. Could it be Celsius, Fahrenheit, or Kelvin? Maybe it’ll throw it back to the quaint Delisle or the sleeper hit Rankine system. Haven’t heard of those? Don’t worry, because the thermometer has.
I’m pretty sure this last one is an actual weapon disguised as a kitchen tool, but to each his own.
