BROCKWAY, Pa. – A 127-year-old Spanish flu survivor has said that the 1918 pandemic, considered the worst pandemic in human history, “was just a bunch of hogwash.”
Pennsylvania-born Gup Crinkleford has survived some of America’s most troubling times, but he wasn’t fooled by the pandemic of 1918. “A bunch of horse hockey is what it was,” Crinkleford said, adamant that the pandemic, which killed fifty million people, wasn’t really as bad as everyone thought.
“Look son, the whole thing was just a big crock,” the illiterate high school dropout said. “If it was so bad, how come nobody I know died?”
Crinkleford offered point after point of irrefutable logic as he stuffed his corncob pipe with tobacco and listened to his gramophone. “If President Wilson didn’t wear a mask, what does that tell you?” asked the centenarian whose brain is likely riddled with dementia. “And what about the Germans? They probably cooked this whole thing up in a lab.”
On the subject of facial coverings that were mandated in many American cities during the 1918 pandemic, Crinkleford’s opinions were even more pronounced. “They tried to get us to wear masks, but ain’t nobody gon’ tell me what to do,” said Crinkleford, cleaning his blunderbuss.
“Ain’t nobody gon’ violate my constitutional rights.”
When informed that the Constitution didn’t protect his right to not wear a mask, Crinkleford yelled “tommyrot” seven times, appeared suddenly confused, then wandered outside into traffic.
