Take Quick Action
Scream at your daughter for waking you up at 1 a.m. to tell you that she’s read on the internet that there is a cult in the remote town where you’ve been hunkering down to ride out the plague of COVID. You’re exhausted. WTF!
Ascertain Risk
If the cult has a web page that has been updated for COVID-19, they are probably still in town.
Determine whether the cult is garden variety: Are they dancing across a prairie in white peasant skirts, singing in the Wessex dialect of Middle English? Or are they for sure conjuring dark forces? If they’re unequivocally in cahoots with the devil, your fears might be unfounded unless they are specifically an anti–lockdown protest organization funded by the family of Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, in which case you should be terrified out of your skull.
If the cult is actively funded by Betsy DeVos, consider the risks and benefits of your arrangement before you rule out staying in the cabin with the canoe and wall hanging that reads “A Well-Balanced Diet Is a Beer in Each Hand.” Use the formula below to calculate the risk:
Managing Your Fear
Be honest, how many signs of a cult have you actually seen in comparison to, say, moose crossing signs? Put your attention to the thing that should really scare the hell out of you. No need to fear an actual moose, however, unless it grunts, pulls its ears back, raises the hairs on its back, or otherwise looks at you or breathes. Signs that might indicate moose are prevalent in your area: neighbors have large wooden cut-out silhouettes of moose on their garage doors, keep wild moose feed in a burlap bag on the lawn, and under normal circumstances watch sports nightly at the Lucky Moose Bar & Grille.
Also, you have a better chance of getting killed by a Vermonter who sees your California license plates than by a wild moose protecting her newborn calf.
Stop for a moment of self-examination. Ask yourself: am I being too judgmental? Should I even be calling it a “cult?” Wouldn’t it be nicer to refer to the group as a “new religious movement?” Have you actually tasted from the cup of sweet surrender from which they drink? Experienced the joy that comes from unleashing yourself from the burden of work, money (Venmo accepted), home, friends and family – outsiders who will never know the sleep-deprived bliss of basking in the aura of Fred’s gaze and the friendosexual advances of his followers??
Now that your fears have been allayed, you should be able to sleep without fear that a cult member is breaking through your basement glass doors, or stealing the UPS packages you’ve left outside to decontaminate (specifically, the packages that contain leggings and organic tumeric latte mix).
That being said, if the cult gathers under a full moon to light large quantities of kindling around a stake and invites your family for s’mores, under no circumstance do you attend, no matter how much your daughter swears she detects the delicious scent of charred marshmallows.
And if it turns out the cult owns the only local market in town, do not go in the basement for Häagen-Dazs Bourbon Vanilla Bean Truffle ice cream. Also, do not go to the local market just for ice cream and if you decide to do so anyway, wear a mask, dammit!
The author has written this cult risk assessment from an undisclosed location.
