Senator,
I hope this letter and package of fine Amazon products finds you well. I’m writing today to discuss the scourge wreaking havoc on my company, Amazon.
I am of course speaking about small businesses.
Since there are too many small businesses to talk about – they’re literally everywhere – let’s refer to all small businesses as Geoffs, the wrong way to spell Jeff. Are these Geoffs technically breaking the law? No, but that does not mean their actions do not instill great anger in me as they take money that could be used to buy more Prime memberships.
It should be an exciting time for Amazon with the one-two punch of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, two of our holy days of obligation, just around the corner. Unfortunately, we are once again under attack from Geoffs who use guerrilla-style tactics to ruin it for us by placing “Small Business Saturday” in between our two sales days. This event should be banned, as it is an illegal monopoly on that Saturday held exclusively by Geoffs.
I’ve been told that Geoffs run on “charm” and “quality products” that are made in “sustainable manners” while promoting a “healthy work environment.” There must be something missing from this equation though, as I’ve taken steps to give Amazon these qualities, to no avail. Geoffs’ still hold on to their minuscule market share and our failure to acquire it from them is crippling Amazon ever so slowly.
Just look at the extreme measures we’ve recently had to take:
Charm: I had the white background of Amazon changed from Eggshell_005 to the Eggshell_004 shade. It’s a folksier shade of eggshell. Nothing in return.
Quality products: I cut the number of fake Apple products sold on Amazon by five percent. Nada.
Sustainability: We switched from using no recycled products for shipping to some recycled products on a part-time basis when we feel like it. Zip.
Healthy work environment: I’ve given my essential delivery drivers one refurbished M-95 mask to use at the start of each month. M-95s have been shown to be almost as effective of N-95 masks up to 12% of the time. Zilch.
It doesn’t make any sense. Even from a purely monetary stance I shouldn’t be “bled dry” from these Geoffs. I’ve lowered prices on so many items that I’m now “forced” to pay my workers in Audible credits.
Even with our drastically lowered prices, people still continue to support these Geoffs. It can’t simply be because they put names and faces of the owners to these businesses. I know this because I had my development team put my expressionless face and lifeless eyes on the new homepage for Amazon and sales plummeted.
Some of your colleagues may bring up that I’m in “no position to complain about money,” but they’re wrong. Yes, I’m worth $87 billion more since the start of the pandemic, but it’s not like all of it is liquid. Besides, I should’ve been worth $88 billion more if the people of America didn’t support their local economy in favor of supporting many Geoffs instead of this lone Jeff.
Meanwhile, Geoffs were given loans because the global pandemic severely affected their day-to-day business. These small business loans are discriminatory. Why should their fledgling and failing enterprises get breaks to help them succeed? Especially when us large corporations must wait until our predatory business practices affect the world economy at-large in a catastrophic way before being offered a bailout. Who decides what constitutes a “small” business owner anyway? I’m 5’7″, should that not make me eligible to identify as a small business owner?
You may think I’m being somewhat cruel to all small businesses, but that’s not the case. I have offered many small businesses the opportunity to sell their wares to my customer base. Amazon sets the prices on their products and all I ask for in return is some minor fees, percentages of profit, and an oath of fealty with their first-born child becoming a ward of Amazon to ensure their loyalty.
Yet there are thousands of Geoffs roaming free on my land and openly defying me by “maximizing their own profits and not feeding the giant.” I never trusted my mom and pop after they only offered me a small $25,000 loan to start Amazon, so why should I trust these mom-and-pop shops when they’re clearly trying to undermine my world-dominating empire… I mean… business?
I trust you to right these wrongs and either shut these businesses down or let them be absorbed into the beautiful human void that is Amazon like they should be.
No need to write a letter back to me. Simply say the word “affirmative” out loud after reading this and I will know. Don’t worry though, the Amazon Echo I’ve included with this package isn’t listening to your conversations.
Regards,
Jeffrey Preston Bezos
CEO and President of Amazon
P.S. I’m worth four more billions by the time you finish this sentence.
P.P.S. the Kindle Fire is the item that’s listening to your conversations.
