This Presidents’ Day, we’re applying the “two beers and a puppy” test to our country’s commanders in chief:
George Washington: Yes to one beer / Yes to puppy watching as long as not at Valley Forge that weekend.
Thomas Jefferson: Yes to beers / Yes as long as puppy isn’t black. Might try to keep black puppy forever while simultaneously advocating for everyone else to free black puppies.
Abraham Lincoln: Yes to one beer / Yes to puppy watching as long as Mary Todd isn’t having one of her episodes.
Teddy Roosevelt: Yes / No because puppy afraid of big sticks.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Yes / Yes because puppy likes to lie by firesides.
John F. Kennedy: Yes / No to puppy watching because would probably be watching other puppies, probably lots and lots of other puppies, at same time without telling me. Other puppies might give puppy venereal disease.
Richard Nixon: No / No because might microchip puppy with bugging device.
Jimmy Carter: Sure, of course. Beers and puppies all around. Puppy can run around Habitat houses.
Ronald Reagan: Yes / Yes but would put limit on number of Jelly Bellies puppy is allowed.
George H.W. Bush: Yes / Yes because puppy also hates broccoli.
Bill Clinton: Yes after checking for roofies / Yes because can’t deny is super fun guy for puppy to hang with. Would feel puppy’s pain and talk to puppy in gentle, croaky, soothing voice.
George W. Bush: Yes. Whole reason we elected him. / Yes because has lots in common with puppy. Would “get” puppy.
Barack Obama: Yes / Yes, so I can meet Michelle.
Donald Trump: FFS No! / No, but would let babysit swarm of murder hornets.
Joe Biden: Yes but only early because gets loopy at night / Yes because so refreshingly not narcissistic sociopath.
