Expressing their satisfaction with Amazon’s return policy, apogee aliens released a public statement to thank Amazon for their support in returning a product which appeared to have arrived in substandard condition. “Jeff Bezos was nothing like what we ordered; unfortunately, he looked very poorly manufactured and his shaven head was exceedingly phallic,” shared John Smith, alien of 23 years, explaining the reasoning behind his displeasure with the shipment. “We filed a complaint with Amazon and the employees were so gracious. They guaranteed us a refund and even strongly suggested that we keep the damaged product. It was almost as if they didn’t want to take him back. Our one lingering complaint is how reluctant the employees were to take back the product.” Bezos was returned to Earth within fifteen minutes of his arrival, ultimately leaving the aliens pleased with Amazon’s return policy. Hearing about the ordeal, Amazon PR chief Jay Carney vocalized his irritation: “Fuck, they didn’t keep him?”
