Greetings wonderful Maynardville (and NO ONE ELSE)!
It’s that time once again where we here at the town events committee are delighted to invite everyone who lives in our quaint little town to our annual leftover fireworks extravaganza! And, just like with previous years, I absolutely mean it when I say everyone who lives in OUR town!
Where are my manners? I know we’ve had a lot of newcomers move into town since the state news did that story on farmer Johnson’s giant gourd. For those who may have only recently moved into town, every year we buy all the fireworks left in the pop-up tent on July 5th at a massive discount. Then, on August 1st, we launch them all during one big show celebrating the town of Maynardville!
However, for anyone that may have recently moved to one of our beautiful neighboring towns, such as Lakeside, Eaton, Brimsberg, or Rocky Falls, we want to make it very clear that you are NOT invited to the festivities. We are not celebrating any of your piece of crap towns, and therefore find it completely ridiculous that you would consider enjoying our massive display of excitement and wonder.
Maynardvilians! Woop woop! We are beyond excited to tell you about the immaculate firework selection we have in store for you this year! We have the usual array of colors and shapes, but with some extra special features like the brand-new pirate ship shape! Oh, and if you can’t make it over to town square (grass area next to Finley’s Bar on 5th avenue), there’s no need to walk the plank, because these fireworks launch so high that everyone in the city limits can easily see them from their homes! So head on out and say “arghhh” from the comfort of your own yard!
People of neighboring towns: Despite the height and size of the fireworks, you are NOT to engage with the spectacle. You should remain indoors for the entirety of the performance, and your yard should be completely barren of lawn chairs or bag toss games. We do not care that you also naturally have an eyeline on the area of the sky that the fireworks will be in. That sky resides over Maynardville and it is NOT for you!
Oh, but that’s not all Maynardville! We pulled out all the stops this year, and have decided to keep our big finale a secret! Even Mayor Jeff has no idea what we’ve cooked up this time. Let’s just say you’ll want to make sure, wherever in town you are, to stop what you’re doing, head outside, and look up at the sky at 9:25 p.m. right as the finale is starting. Oh, and don’t even read this next paragraph – it doesn’t relate to any of you lovely people!
Border towns, we especially do not want you looking at our big secret firework. It is a massive rocket that creates an accurately colored shape resembling the Maynardville town crest. We spent $56,000 of our city budget to get it made. For any of you heathens to even see it out of the corner of your eye would be completely distasteful. We humbly ask that at around 9:23 p.m. you simply close your eyes, look straight at the ground, or go into a room with no windows. We thank you for cooperating and making this PRIVATE event a success.
What’s that, Maynardville? You want even more?!?! Okay, I guess! We will also be handing out free snow cones courtesy of Benny’s cone cart! Plus, the first twenty-five people to come to the square will receive a free Maynardville Cougars hat from Maynardville High. Go Cougars!
Everyone else, at all town lines we will have some of our best police officers handing out completely free blindfolds and earplugs. We highly recommend coming by early in the day to get yours so that ILLEGALLY experiencing the fireworks display won’t be a temptation. Again, come early because if you arrive during the performance our officers will have no choice but to assume you saw some of it, and they will be forced to arrest you for theft. In addition, we’ve told our fine officers of Maynardville to keep their eyes peeled in the coming weeks following our glorious firework extravaganza for residents of neighboring towns who may have tried to peek a glimpse at the show. Any snickering, giggling, or mentioning of the phrase “what an incredible spectacle, that pirate ship was quite a doozy” will be cause enough for an arrest of any person who doesn’t brandish a Maynardville driver’s license proving your residency here.
August 1st! 8:00 p.m. event start time, 9:00 p.m. fireworks start time! Don’t miss it, Maynardville!
Do miss it, everyone else!