It will come as no surprise that our previous top ten lists ranking the best basketball, baseball, and football players of all time proved to be viral smash hits, far exceeding the expectations of the site.
I mean, even though our lists of the best soccer, tennis, and golf players of all time didn’t reach anywhere near the same amount of success, they easily received thousands more hits than a typical comedy article does. So, keeping in mind that people love sports lists and that we love ad revenue, the team here at Robot Butt finally decided it was time to tackle America’s favorite ball-and-beer combo sport: bowling.
More importantly, the team decided this list was worthy of assigning to the best staff writer on the payroll. And by “assigning,” I obviously mean we all drew straws and mine was noticeably shorter than everyone else’s.
Regardless, there are a lot of strong athletes in the bowling world. Our research intern, Samuel, gathered a hefty stack of athletes whose immeasurable talent made this a tough list for me to even begin to rank. However, as all great listicle writers do, I powered on and just threw a bunch down in an order I’ve decided is definitive regardless of my knowledge of the subject matter.
10. AJ Chapman – Manchester, Iowa
You know, I had an epiphany while flipping through the stack of players Samuel brought me and counting how many of the bowlers had mustaches. Nobody reads the entries on these lists. They just look at the name and photo, and keep scrolling. More than that, they don’t know what any of these people look like. I can use ten royalty-free photos of people’s backs and this thing will still go full-ass viral. As long as the names are real, and they are, I can basically put whatever I want on here.
Anyways, what’s there to say about AJ that hasn’t already been said? Nothing.
9. AJ Johnson – Oswego, Illinois
How are there two AJs in the PBA? There are like fourteen people in the league and two are named AJ.
Johnson is truly one of the greats of the sport. He’s good at just about every part of rolling that ball. Last season, he averaged 600 points a game, won multiple Three-Hole Cups, and became the first player to have his jersey retired and hung above the Street Fighter Ultra 2 cabinet in the arcade.
8. Walter Ray Williams Jr. – Oxford, Florida
He wears a glove when he bowls. Literally every picture of this guy I could dig up he had the glove on. Does it really help that much, Walter? Does the cold twelve-pounder you’re tossing really tweak the wrist, Walt? Grow up.
7. Chris Via – Springfield, Ohio
Via is a force to be feared on the hardwood, made famous by his signature move of throwing both of his balls at the same time every round. While this technique means he can only ever hit a spare and not a strike, it more than makes up for it by allowing him to go back to his seat faster.
6. Walter Braley – Chattanooga, Tennessee
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The SEO on these lists is really good. No one will ever fact check this. Every girl in South Bend is going to be throwing their number at me after I pull this picture up on my phone and make them look at it. I’ll be milking this for years.
5. Sean “The Spare” Spahr – Pasadena, Texas
His last name easily becomes a bowling-related nickname, which is marketable and easy to remember. I can only assume that’s how he’s found success. If you ask me one week from now who I remember from this list I’ll probably say, “Uh, hmmm. Let’s see. Oh, ‘The Spare.’ I think there was one named Spare or something like that.” If that isn’t star power, I don’t know what is. He was also accused of killing his wife in 1997.
4. DJ Archer – Simpsonville, South Carolina
Archer bowled a 295 in 1974 before competition scores had to be recorded on video. The judge at the alley called out sick with food poisoning from a raw hamburger. Delgado mailed in his scorecard and never bowled in competition play again. Still makes the top ten of all time because that puts his average score so high. Probably lied.
3. Matt Sanders – Evansville Indiana
Was accused of steroid use after making multiple pins explode on impact. After accusation, he quickly admitted to using the drug and no one really cared. Currently attempting not to crack the ball by squeezing it too hard.
2. Rhino Page (real name) – Spokane, Washington
Rhino wore a pair of prescription sunglasses during a tournament after dropping and shattering his regular glasses during a Sunday brunch. This led to him being called the “bad boy of bowling.” When asked about the nickname he said, “Please don’t call me that. You guys get how dumb that is, right?” Also set record highs after becoming the first bowler to simply request his bumpers be up during ranked play.
1. Gary Faulkner Jr. – Memphis, Tennessee
While down nearly two hundred points in the finals, Faulkner Jr. confidently exclaimed “next throw wins” before rocketing in his first strike of the entire tournament. After his opponent, number-one-ranked AJ Johnson, retaliated with a spare, he forfeited the match and tournament to Faulkner, proudly and stupidly honoring the ruling set forth by Faulkner’s insane declaration. When asked about it later by a panel of one, Johnson claimed it was to preserve the purity of the sport.