The Harlem Globetrotters have garnered infamy for over eight decades through the terrible acts they commit every time they step on a basketball court. After every game, the nearest emergency room is packed full of innocent Washington Generals’ players needing broken ankles braced or athletic shorts surgically removed from around their ankles, but what about the path of destruction these showboating heathens leave off the court?
I talked to three of the possible millions of people who were victimized by the Trotters’ incessant showmanship and will be sharing their stories in their own words.
Lindsay – Oak Park, IN
The Globetrotters came to my town right after the birth of my second child. I was so excited that I bought VIP meet-and-greet tickets. After the game, I went up to Hot Shot Swanson and asked him for an autograph. He told me I had a beautiful baby and asked if he could hold her. I was overjoyed and of course, obliged. I couldn’t think of any better sign of good luck than having one of the world’s greatest athletes hold my new daughter. At that moment, I heavily considered asking Swanson to be her godfather, or, at the very least, allow me to name her after him. I’d already named her, but changing the paperwork wouldn’t have been too much of a hassle. Then, with no hesitation, he launched my baby up over his head backward, sending it flying straight through the net from half-court. The crowd roared and confetti cannons fired. I believe everyone won free Hardee’s biscuits because the shot went in.
Seth – Hardin Valley, TN
I ran into Wham Bam Middleton at my local Piggly Wiggly while I was just grocery shopping. I couldn’t believe it. I live in the middle of nowhere and while I knew the Globetrotters were playing nearby in Knoxville that evening (I already had VIP tickets), it felt impossible that one of their top stars would just wander into the same store where I buy my milk. He was standing between me and my buggy and pointed right at me. I remember he said, “Uh oh, this guy’s buying 2%. Milky boy, milky boy!” Everyone started chanting it with him. I was part of an actual Globetrotter jest! Even though it seemed like he was getting a little too much joy from the insult, I truly believed I was the luckiest guy in the building. The whole thing helped me forget about my father’s funeral that had taken place only that morning.
Then he said, “Go ahead, try and get that past me.” I didn’t understand so I played along and said, “Alright, here I come. Lay up!” and I tried to put the milk into my buggy. He packed it as hard as he could, sending it flying into the aisle and making it explode everywhere. The next part is too tough for me to talk about in detail, but the short version is that he packed, stole, or goaltended every grocery item I tried to buy that day. At one point, he took a can of Van Camp’s chili out of my hands, yelled “Fast break!” and 360 tomahawk dunked it into the garbage. I had to pay for all of it.
Dwayne – Ann Arbor, MI
I thought it was awesome that “Big Cheese” Cheese Chisholm came and did dunks for my son’s third-grade class. When he asked for a parent volunteer to “help him work on his free throws,” I raised my hand as fast as I could. I’m no Steph Curry but I’ve been known to hit three or four out of ten from the line down at the Y. Plus, I was wearing my luckiest underwear. The ones with the extremely embarrassing and shockingly sexual pizza print. As I walked over to the court, surrounded by thirty children and their parents, pulling up my unusually baggy shorts (I’d forgotten my belt that morning), I remember thinking, “This is the best day of my life.”