“Scheiße! The theory of relativity never prepared me for the frustration of opening this bag!”
“If E=MC², then the mass of the produce bag should change if I manipulate the energy of the bag.”
“If I pinch the edges of the bag, then the particles of the bag should separate and the bag should open. That’s what quantum mechanics told me… when I invented quantum mechanics.”
“I won a Nobel Prize, but I can’t even open a simple bag?”
(After shaking the bag to get it to open) “I thought it would work if I increased the bag’s kinetic energy. Open up, goddamn you!”
“What are you looking at? You’ve never seen a world-renowned physicist and genius standing in the middle of the produce section of Costco trying to open a bag before?”
“I wonder if I can get the bag to open if I go back to the original theory of relativity.”
“Damn you, Isaac Newton!”
“What if I manipulate the gravity of the bag by altering the space that the bag occupies in the store? Will the bag open then?”
“I might be here all day. But then again… what is time?”
“Ugh, so the theory of relativity didn’t work. What if I try my trusted photoelectric effect to bound light off of the bag? Then it will magically open up. That should work.”
