SAN FRANCISCO—“The team, the league, and my accountant all agreed: I’m cured.”
Golden State power forward Draymond Green will officially make his return to the court today, wrapping up a month-long suspension for conduct detrimental to the league.
“I want to set a better example for the kids. Kicking people in the groin is wrong, no matter how hilarious and satisfying it appears to to be.”
“I apologize to every player I’ve wronged in my career, and promise to finish the job—er, to do better next time,” he said, giving a double thumbs-up to assembled media.
Green declined to publicly identify his psychological collaborators or go in-depth about his treatment, citing privacy concerns, but did note that, “These doctors have degrees, letters after their names, all kinds of credentials. I’ve been doing tons of work to get the bad stuff out. Breathing exercises, primal scream, the whole nine. Also, Ja Morant put me on to his Reiki healer, and that guy was fire. My chakras are balanced as shit now.”
Green turned defiant, however, when reporters inquired about his lengthy history of suspensions. “First of all, ever notice I’ve only struck men in my career? I’m practically a feminist,” he said, pounding the podium. “And how about the fact that most of the players I’ve fought with are foreign? I’m not about to apologize for loving my country.”
“But anyway, that’s all in the past now. I’ve learned to use my words,” Green stated, adopting a conciliatory tone. “Like supercilious. It’s fun to say that. I think about that word, picture it in my mind, and I get happy. Or when I get angry—now I say I’m getting vexed instead, which helps me put it all into perspective. It also reminds me of sex. Don’t they sound kind of the same if you say it real fast?”
Green has been fined millions of dollars and ejected from 19 games in his NBA career, and has also courted controversy by striking his teammate Jordan Poole in practice (“He hurt my feelings”) and for assaulting a Michigan State football player in a bar (“Nothing good happens after 6 PM in East Lansing, and I know that now”).
“Charles Barkley threw a guy out the window, and you guys can’t get enough of him,” Green was heard to mutter as team staff led him away.
Taking the podium, league commissioner Adam Silver noted that Green was “a delight” throughout the restoration process. “Draymond is a fine young man, and we’re thankful that his transgressions have distracted you all from other players sleeping with underage women and our team owners using public money for privately-owned stadiums.”
Warriors head coach Steve Kerr, for his part, told assembled media that he looks forward to his star forward’s return to the court. “Draymond Green, although sometimes emotionally challenged, is simply a winning basketball player. Jonathan Kuminga, while an outstanding and mature young man wise beyond his years, is not.”
Kerr also added that the team’s brain trust would be putting their heads together soon to lobby the league in suspending slumping shooting guard Klay Thompson, “just as soon as we can find a few charges that would stick.”
Currently, the money line for Green’s next suspension rests at -3.5 games, according to DraftKings.com, the official betting partner of the National Basketball Association.