All righty then America, lets do this. I was asked by every Presidential candidate to endorse their campaign but I told them that’s none of their damn business and to stay out of my personal affairs. If I don’t endorse you before the nominating convention…just wait longer.
But now that Taylor Swift is with Harris-Walz, it’s time for me to make my pick. I’ve Got to Mister. But I’m going to warn you that once you get inside my head, there’s no turning back baby.
Obviously I can’t endorse RFK Jr. He killed a bear cub and left the carcass in Central Park. He also decapitated a whale. I feel bad for his poor hungry brain worm. I love animals. If it gets cold enough. So no chance I can support RFK Jr. And Jill Stein and Cornel West? All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then! Loo–oo-sers.
So that leaves Kamala Harris and Tim Walz or Donald Trump and JD Vance.
But I like my country like I like my New England Clam Chowder. White. So I’m going with Trump-Vance this November.
It’s simple really. Trump-Vance have warned about Haitian migrants (or whatever Rich Lowry might say) stealing and eating pets in Springfield, Ohio. Re-he-he-eally? Yes really. And I know a thing or two about talking out of your ass. We can’t have an America where migrants are feasting on our neighborhood cats and dogs. Only Trump-Vance will save our animal friends. THEY’RE EATING THE PETS.
I have a lot of pets to feed. And the cost of pet food has risen more than 23% in the last four years thanks to inflation. Why my pet caterpillar eats a ton. I had this very hungry pet caterpillar that would take one bit out of different fruit, cheese, and meats everyday. Then one day the caterpillar gets home from school and apparently the school decided it needed to become a butterfly?
Which brings me to my next reason for supporting Trump-Vance. The transgender issue.
I know something about the sinister criminal element of transgender community. After all, I have kissed a man. I worked a case in Miami where I was trying to find a missing dolphin. JD Vance and I both really like dolphins. I was getting inside ze dolphin’s head Akay!…Akay Akay Akay? Vance wanted to be inside the dolphin too. That helped me solve it actually.
A female police lieutenant was actually born a man but only pretending to be a woman. S/he stole the dolphin and Dan Marino to get revenge at the Miami Dolphins. Normally I’m Blue Lives Matter all the way, but not if they’re transgender or on January 6, 2021.
While I helped find the dolphin snowflake, I don’t like snowflakes overall. Too much of this left wing woke PC cultural marxism cancel culture CRT, DEI stuff. I’m sick of being called a White Devil just because I support Trump-Vance. In fact, I’m reclaiming the word. #WhiteDevilsforTrump
I’ll be on stage with Donald Trump in Springfield, Ohio to show my support.
Don’t like my pick?
Well why don’t you cry about it? Saddlebags.