A lot of older people wonder whether they are ageing well, both physically and cognitively. As renowned experts in this specific field, we can assist you in the discovery process by providing indicators that will identify where you are on the ageing spectrum. We do this by employing our Patent Pending Relic Diagnostic Model, (PPRDM). You supply the empirical data and we will provide you with rock solid interpretations of that information. You can then rest easy in the knowledge that you are on the right path to both cognitive and physical health way, way, way into the future. Well, or not, of course. My team and I are highly trained to deliver you the most advanced analysis and model possible. Our small administrative fee (*See Below) is money well spent. And we spare no expense. Hand to God.
Here’s how it works: Each indicator will equal one point, with ten points possible:
Eight to ten points is grim; if you have not made a Will and Living Will now is the time to hire an attorney and get that done. Time is not on your side.
Four to eight points is less onerous, but you should make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible. There is a strong chance that you have an underlying condition. If treatment is available, you have many years ahead of you. If treatment is not available, your future is cloudy, at best.
Two to four points you are living moderately well and can expect to live a reasonably long life. Whatever you are doing, keep doing.
Zero to two points and you are sitting pretty! Your PPRDM is the best of the best. You stand a realistic chance of hitting 100 years plus! Of course you may run out of money long, long before then, but not to worry because we also offer an app How Not To Run Out Of Money Before You Die, or HNTROOMBYD. Yeah, it’s a long one, we get that.
So here we go! Remember to answer truthfully or we cannot guarantee your results! (**See Below)
You Might Be Old If:
1. In the morning when you put your shorts or pants on you’re unable to do so unless you first sit down. Otherwise, you take a tumble on the floor and discover you have both legs in one pant leg.
2. You have so much trouble tying your shoes each morning you’ve switched to Velcro only footwear.
3. You look forward to taking your Metamucil every morning.
4. You don’t understand what this is all about and believe it is likely a scam and you call 911.
5. When people open doors for you and call you Sir or Ma’am, you look behind you to see who they’re talking to.
6. Your grandchild asks you if you’re going to die soon.
7. You can’t remember how many things you’ve forgotten today.
8. It takes you five or more attempts to get a button through a button hole and you believe this is due to clothes not being made the same way they used to be.
9. By 9 PM you long for bed.
10. Your spouse keeps asking you if your life insurance is up-to-date and you have no idea.
So add them up—or perhaps better ask someone half your age to do so—and see what tier you are in on your PPRDM.
*Administrative Fee is $99. Taxes not included. Regulatory Fees not included.
**In cases where it turns out the client dies before our PPRDM says he or she would die, we regret such an occurrence, of course, but since the client is dead there is no need for arbitration, mediation, realization, or compensation.