I’ve been writing a lot about weird comics and brand integrations lately, and this was supposed to just be more of the same. This article should be titled “Let’s Talk About Captain Citrus,” but no, they pushed me too far this time. It isn’t enough to discuss this forgotten hero. I now need to destroy him.
Before I cover our comedy site with his blood, let me tell you who captain citrus is. Originally, he was just a simple mascot for the Florida Department of Citrus (FDOC). He also looked like this:
Or in our world, this:
Then, in 2014, the FDOC invested in a million dollar advertising campaign to reimagine their little dude as a full-fledged superhero, and they hired Marvel comics to do it. The result was a new Marvel superhero complete with his own three-issue comic run. The new Captain Citrus would receive an expansive origin story.
He is raised in an orange grove in Florida, where he eventually gains powers from solar pods landing on the farm. He then defends his farm from villainous thugs that want to take it, establishing himself as a superhero.
Then, CC hits the big time, teaming with The Avengers to take down Kang the Conqueror. You see, Kang interrupts Captain Citrus as he is preparing to give a speech to the United Nations about the health benefits of Orange Juice.
After the run, the FDOC used their new million dollar investment in videos like this:
There are a handful of these, but not as many as you’d expect, and it seems that by the end of 2015, one year after Captain Citrus’s makeover, he was gone from their marketing, and also from our hearts.
This is where this article looking at a weird brand character should end… but it doesn’t.
I am going to become Captain Citrus’s worst nightmare.
Why shouldn’t I? He abandoned us! Where has he been the last decade as Florida has had more political turmoil than ever? Why didn’t he help The Avengers against Josh Brolin when they needed him? Why has he been seen hanging out so much at Mar-a-Lago?
Why does that last video, and all the ones like it, tell us to go to “captaincitrus.com?” I don’t know, because that link goes nowhere now. Which led me to a cursed thought.
Can I buy it?
No, I can’t. It turns out that even though it is now a dead link, the domain is still owned. I would assume the FDOC still owns it, despite having literally no mention of Captain Citrus left on their own website.
When I looked into buying the domain, it recommended me similar domains. Captaincitrus.net? captainjuice.com? Those are free. The juice one spoke to me a bit. I had never considered during this that I could just have my own different character. I could invent Captain Juice and say he’s friends with Spider-Man and loves mimosas.
Or I could do something more dastardly. If those domains are free, then what else is? This line of thinking led me to wondering if I could create the perfect villain to take on Florida’s no show hero.
Which is why I’ve now put in an unbelievably low amount of money to own Captainscurvy.com.
Introducing Captain Scurvy.
That’s right. I have invented a new horrible villain, whose sole purpose is to spread misinformation about how dangerous orange juice and grapefruits are, and the way things have been going, I don’t think any Florida superheroes are going to show up to stop him.
I will be working on Captain Scurvy. His powers, his appearance, origin, etc. In fact, any writers or artists that want a crack at him, please email us, because otherwise he’s going to be a stock image pirate.
I plan to use the contact us form to ask the FDOC to allow us to use Captain Citrus in a crossover comic, but if they won’t, then Captain Scurvy will continue to run rampant. I’m going to have this guy doing presentations in schools by the end of the year.