CAMP WAMPANAKA – We’ve now confirmed that the infamous Camp Slaughter Killer has returned despite being shot, burned alive, and drowned last summer. We have no idea why he’s come back, but if the last 14 summers are any kind of pattern, it’s safe to assume he’s planning to kill somewhere in the ballpark of a dozen teenagers using sharp objects they’ve left conveniently scattered around all of the camp’s darkest corners.
The masked maniac announced his return in a fun homage to the former Chicago Bulls shooting guard, Michael Jordan. Despite having issue with his past and likely future behavior, we have to acknowledge that the killer’s return announcement was nothing short of epic.
Just like when Jordan returned from his stint playing baseball, the killer made the simple statement of, “I’m back.”
Unfortunately, the sick reference was lost on the current crop of teens assigned to watch the camp. We interviewed many of them, who all seemed to have no idea what we were talking about. They were so embarrassed by not getting the reference that they were flustered to the point of even coming across panicked and scared.
“Yeah I know who Michael Jordan is. He’s the guy from the Hitler commercials. I know he played basketball and stuff. I even knew he quit and came back because I’ve seen Space Jame. I guess I just didn’t know about the ‘I’m back’ thing.” Said head counselor and clearly uninformed dolt Jimmy Spritzer.
“I don’t know, I still don’t know how related it is. Seems coincidental to me. Why would an unkillable lake man born in the 50’s care about the NBA? I kind of think the killer was just letting us know he’s back and-“
We walked away before Spritzer could embarrass himself worse. We sure these teens have some books at that summer camp, because clearly they aren’t learning all they need to from their phones!
