WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth was one of the excited attendees at today’s inauguration. Reports say in the lead up to Trump being officially sworn in as the 47th president, a distracted and stumbling Hegseth raised a glass of champagne and tried to hold a toast, only to have someone stop him mid ramble and explain that they were still in the process of swearing in Trump. Hegseth downed his champagne every toast, repeating this process until, through pure attrition and luck, he happened to actually lead a celebratory toast at the right time. Witnesses from his tables claimed that he had them all in a line before starting and just went down the table drinking them in one gulp like a cartoon. They also said that there was no other alcohol at the event.
Shortly after the inauguration, Fox News interns assigned to Hegseth were tasked with carrying him to his car and helping him start it so he could drive home.
