Despite us humans being excited at the prospect of going outside or feeling sane for the first time in months, vampires are preparing to enter the worst stretch of their year.
TRANSYLVANIA – With daylight savings springing us forward into the wonderful world of absorbing vitamin D and drinking 4 and a half Bud Light Limes at a park near a shitting dog, it may seem like it’s time to celebrate. However, there are some who aren’t nearly as stoked.
As many humans feel their seasonal depression fading, vampires all over are just beginning to feel theirs setting in. With the time change, there is now an entire extra hour of sunlight each day, meaning an extra hour that vampires can’t do anything other than sleep or play Nintendo switch inside a cramped coffin.
An elderly man we talked to at a woodworking shop felt like this is great news across the board.
“These foul creatures of the damned. We now have one more hour with which to hunt them in their accursed burrows and slay them where they rest their wicked heads.” Said the man we later identified as Van Helsing, a famed occult researcher played by Hugh Jackman in his 2004 biopic.
We tracked down a real vampire so that we could get both sides of this story, and when pressed for comment he had this to say.
Blehh!
