CHICAGO – The newly hired head of maintenance at The Chicago Art Institute Davis Motley was seen in a total panic today after everyone else had left and it was time for him to clean.
“I just want to mop, man. They’ve got stuff that goes on the floor, and stuff that looks like someone dropped their coffee, but I’m scared to touch any of it. The guy before me got fired because he threw out a pair of jeans he found on a bench and it turned out they were worth like 25 grand.”
Unsure whether it was worth the risk of potentially destroying priceless art, Motley apparently spent his entire first shift mopping one spot of the lobby floor in circles and crying.
“It sucks here, dude. They’ve got a small dark room with like 14 TVs all playing clown footage at the same time. That doesn’t really tie in to any of my cleaning stuff, but why do they have that? Why did somebody make that? I tried to dust one of the paintings of a naked lady today during the day shift and a high-schooler on a field trip called me a pervert and his friends cracked up. The rules are too vague!”
At the time of this reporting, Motley is still the head of maintenance, but is expected to have a short tenure at the museum. We expect him to be transferred to the Shedd Aquarium, like all failed crewman before him.
