Epic Games released a distressing press statement last week making sure that the public understood that their method of adding pop superstar Sabrina Carpenter to hit video game Fortnite was shrinking down the real Carpenter and dropping her into a massive computer.
“Everyone was so excited that Katy Perry went to space. Who cares! We’re getting so tired of NASA and their showboating. Our facility has more tech than all of their moon bases combined! We have defense contracts with the six biggest military contractors in the world, but everyone is shitting their pants with joy because the singer of plastic bag kissed the ground after a routine launch.” The CEO of Epic Games rambled after we asked him about the new Fortnite Music Festival event.
After completely ignoring us trying to explain that it wasn’t actually a NASA trip and then talking over us asking why a game studio needs mercenaries, he went on:
“We could have just paid some nerds to work 60 hours a week and put a model of her in the game. We do that all the time. That’s how we put the alien from Alien in. He’s not real! But we actually put Sabrina in there. We invented a ray beam that can shrink molecules without them becoming unstable. We brought Sabrina in the zapped her down to the size of an action figure. We have a giant computer. we call it the Fortnite Computer. It’s slowly gaining sentience. We opened the top of it, I picked up Sabrina by the scruff of her neck and just dropped her in.”
As our reporter left Epic Games HQ, he noticed a confused Paul Giamati being ushered into a room where a scientist was laughing maniacally.
