Author: Alex Scampa

I know you wonder why I look so bad despite all your efforts to keep me alive. Your friends told you I was an easy plant to take care of so you can’t understand why I’m about to die. Well, let me tell you something, I’m going to die because you are woke. I suppose it may sound surprising, but we houseplants are a very conservative community. At least I am. Unfortunately, there are no other plants here to corroborate this claim. Actually, there’s also the little cactus you have next to your computer, but I’m not going to talk…

“Good evening, general. Pelagia from The Mycenaean Herald. What do you think went wrong tonight?” “Good evening. First of all, congratulations to the Spartan army for their victory. It has been a tough battle, they have fought like hell and, in the end, they have brought home the Golden Fleece. We didn’t execute well and our guys need to fight with more consistency because it’s going to be a long war and, as I always say, there is no small rival.” “Here, general. Lykourgos, Marathon Journal. A blow to the Delos League” “…” “General?” “Sorry, I didn’t realize that was…

Dear Father: First of all, let me congratulate you on your new fatherhood. It fills me with joy to be the first person in our family to do so on this occasion. Secondly, I would like to tell you that I am aware that it is not usual for a newborn to bring a handwritten letter with it, but the subject I am addressing seems to me to be extremely urgent. If I am writing this letter to you and not to my dear mother, it is because, as I understand, you have unilaterally decided to name me Blouncie, a…