Author: Alissa King

To Whom It May Concern: For far too long, PETA has watched in horror as Garfield the cat has been permitted to lay around and sleep as much as he pleases, regularly opt out of exercise, and be fed his favorite meal of lasagna multiple times per week, sometimes multiple times per day. We will no longer stand idly by and allow this heinous crime against a feline to continue. As one may know, lasagna is quite laden with repulsive amounts of cheese, enriched pasta, and also MEAT. Do you know what meat is made of? Animals. Dead ones, and…

I know you hate me, and that I’ve done you wrong. Admittedly, I lured you in and made you think this was going to be a short-term thing. More of an extended summer fling, if you will, than a long-term commitment. My gender fluidity was appealing to you, and a welcome change from your dull heteronormative dalliances. I seduced you with the promise of some eventual stability, and just maybe, a future that didn’t include growing old in your childhood home. But that was then. This lasted much longer than you could have anticipated, and I know I am to blame.…

Lately when I sit down and listen to prayers, I’ve been getting a deluge of worries that I might be taken out of Christmas, and let me just say this…fucking finally. I’ve been trying to pull a soft exit for centuries now. I’ve even been scheduled to return in person on multiple occasions, and each time, I’ve done a complete no-call, no-show. I thought that by ghosting them, they might finally get the hint, but no, here I am still stuck in Christmas, going on two millennia now. I get it, there are a lot of people who are pretty passionate…

Are you tired of buying your anti-vax friends the same old boring gifts, like child-sized coffins and pre-paid hospital stays? You might think that due to this person’s fear of basic chemical compounds most traditional gifts are off-limits, but fear not! This holiday season, give the rebellious friend in your life who laughs in the face of mother nature and her so-called dangerous communicable diseases the awesome gift they deserve! A Pair of Horses Since the anti-vaxxer in your life shuns modern conveniences like immunity to death and paralysis-inducing diseases, consider showing them how much their friendship means to you…