300-count Egyptian cotton sheet set: You’ve been an assistant editor for five years and it’s fine. You’re living your best life with three roommates in a two bedroom apartment in Queens. A $250 donation to the couple’s honeymoon fund: You give unsolicited advice on where and where not to eat whenever anyone mentions they’re traveling anywhere. You’ve never been outside of the United States. One set of silverware: You only have two chairs and a stationary bike in your living room. You chew with your mouth open, but compulsively correct people’s grammar on social media. A one-time donation to the…
Author: Ally Hirschlag
Ally Hirschlag
Ally Hirschlag is a writer from Brooklyn who lives with mild anxiety over what her cats are doing in the other room. You can find her work at Upworthy, McSweeney's, Mic, Weekly Humorist, HuffPost, and elsewhere. For one-off jokes check out her Twitter and Facebook.
Welcome back, you baking nuts! I know it’s been a while since my last post, but with the rolling blackouts, missile alerts and prepping to be my third bestie’s Maid of Honor, girlfriend’s been occu-PIED. Yes, it’s still in the 100s up here in Seattle (WTF, Mother Nature? Mama’s annual ski trip’s coming up!), but if you think that’s keeping me from rockin’ my shearling-lined booties and fave flannel shirt, you are sorely mistaken. I just crank up the AC and pretend the ash outside from the nearby forest fire’s a fresh blanket of snow. Call me a cock-eyed optimist,…