Author: Alyssa Moore

It’s a new year, so Amazon is giving back to our loving and loyal customers by applying automatic updates to Alexa. Alexa owners (or as we call them, Alexowners) can expect these exciting new features from all models to be enacted immediately.  Want to know the weather? Just say “Hey Alexa, what’s the weather today?” Alexa will respond with the current temperature as well as how many approximate months the earth has left. It’s 65 in January! Want to know everything going on in the world? Ask Alexa to tell you the news! She will promptly delete your Twitter account…

1. When you get out of bed in the morning, what’s your first move? A. Grab a bowl of cereal and some coffee. Working from home means treating mornings right! B. Sit up in bed and cough into your bedside handkerchief. What’s that… blood? No… it can’t be… right? Promptly hide it in your sleeping petticoat. C. Run to the bathroom and sneeze directly into your reflection. Google “is sneezing a symptom?” while you pee. 2. Which cartoon character best describes you? A. Spongebob. I’m loud and always the life of the party, but I probably get a little annoying.…

Credit: Lloyd Bishop It’s bound to happen in most residential homes. Maybe you left a few crumbs on the table, the weather started getting colder, or you were promoting your new coming-of-age sitcom coming to CBS this October. Whatever the reason, you now have a Jimmy Fallon infestation. Here are a few important ways to get rid of the vermin: 1. Cut Off His Entry Points: This one is easy. Whatever you do, stop opening up the door for a casual conversation about your recent vacation to Hawaii. Don’t carry around any printed Instagram posts you’ll have to explain. If…

For Her: Candles, soap, lotion, perfume (the women in your life smell bad) For Him: Hunting gear, toolbox, shaving kit, new tie (the men in your life are going to kill you and try to change their identity to get away with it) For the Dog: Bones, food, plush toys (this is an animal with as much personality as a toddler) For the Cat: Scratching posts, mouse toys, tiny treats (soon the cat will be able to hunt, kill, and fend for itself, rendering you, the cat owner, useless) For Mom: Cookware, oven mitts, a cookie-scented candle (Oh my God,…

Eggnog What does eggnog smell like? Well, this, I guess! I know you like eggnog. I’m positive because one time I saw you drink it at the holiday Christmas party. That was crazy, right? We all went to McFallon’s after… oh, you weren’t there? I could have sworn… you know what, I’m thinking of Marty. Marty was there. You should have come! Gingerbread This smell will remind you of baking cookies at a young age with your family, when they actually cared about who you were becoming and what your interests involved. You could expect a new basketball under the…

So you’ve graduated. Sorry about that; life is hard, isn’t it? Don’t you just long for the easy days of submitting discussion board posts, agreeing with bad ideas in a class discussion, and pretending to understand what you’re saying? Right about now, you’ll start to pine for the gentle embrace of a poorly written essay due at midnight. You’ll crave the high of finding that word for “excited but not like, completely?” But most of all, you’ll miss the kind criticism of a burnt-out English professor. Adulthood, as it is currently structured, means that most of us don’t get to…