Author: Andrew Knott

You may not know my face, but you know my voice. You know my hands, too. Oh, do you know my hands. In fact, you often comment on the health of my cuticles while killing off those last few hours before your child’s bedtime sets you free. I envy your nighttime freedom. Because I am never free. I am a prisoner in my own home. You know the one. It’s large and all the walls and carpets are a pristine white and there is no furniture. Well, no human-sized furniture. There is plenty of toy furniture, though. Even when the…

My blood is boiling. This jerk has definitely gone too far this time! We can’t let this kind of behavior go unpunished. Or can we? Maybe? No… we can’t. This is how societies start to fracture. When everyone starts letting dirtbags get away with everything. Yes, I’ve never been more certain of anything. We have to make an example of this dude. You and me. It’s time to fuck this guy up! First, though, before we get to crunching skulls, let’s run through our game plan one more time. Specifically, how should we arrange ourselves relative to the degenerate we’re…

“You have to understand that Trump isn’t a politician, he’s a very rich person who doesn’t necessarily understand political norms or the bare-minimum basics of human interaction.” “He’s not politically correct. And that’s a good thing! Everyone is so sensitive these days. What? How dare you call me a white male!” “The media attacking him like this for every little word is why he’s so popular with racists!” “You have to remember that Democrats have said things before too. And some of those things people may not have liked.” “What about abortion, though?” “Gillette made a whole ad about how…

I’m a bell ringer outside your grocery story and there are literally only three things I care about: Keeping my donation bucket shiny and polished, helping people in need, and ringing this sweet-ass bell like I’m a town crier without anything to say. The one thing I don’t care about? Your pathetic excuses for why you’re too cheap to help feed the homeless as you walk by pushing your three hundred dollars’ worth of vegan tofu bratwursts and gelatin-free cranberry sauce. You would think by now people would have this figured out. I sit here on my metal folding chair…

Whew. It was a long winter and spring spent sneaking around, but your days of sipping sweet, creamy iced coffee quietly through a straw, trying not to make any slurping noises, while huddled in your pantry are finally over. Yes, now that the days are seemingly endless and the temperature never dips below eighty, your covert affair, once a tawdry matter that caused you unparalleled shame, can exist out in the open. Make sure you both wear your sunscreen, sunglasses, and wide-brimmed hat, though. It’s hot outside and ice melts easily. You don’t want your secret lover to become watered…

It started out innocently. At first, when you stuck your hands under the faucet, the water wouldn’t turn on, so you had to thrust your hands forward and back a few times like you were spinning a record on an imaginary turn table. You didn’t think much of it. You were used to little annoyances around your office, like that tall guy named Kevin who always hovers over your desk and sniffles loudly, so what was one more thing? Then things took a turn for the worse. When Patty from down the hall splattered mustard on your shirt in the…

1. Bible Study One of Mike’s biggest regrets is that the demands of his career have gotten in the way of his Bible study time. Also, one of his biggest frustrations is that he has never been able to supplant the pastor’s son as leader of his Bible study class. Such nepotism! However, both of these problems will be things of the past once Mike is safely behind bars. Mike is already daydreaming about lounging around all day idly thumbing through Leviticus, and since there is no hierarchy in prison (or so he’s heard), there will be plenty of opportunity…

You might remember that I was the guy who threw my support behind the active volcano that was discovered in my neighborhood because I felt like it could bring about the change we so desperately needed. Now that it’s been a few months, I will admit that I do have a few doubts, but I remain hopeful. Let me explain. First off, I’m a positive person and if there is one thing I’ve learned from this whole volcano situation is that there are way too many negative people in this world. Everyone is walking around talking about how scared they…

This post was originally published on BullshitIst. Please allow us a moment to introduce ourselves. We are the National Basketball Association (NBA for short). Perhaps you’ve seen us on TV soaring through the air, dunking basketballs into hoops (or rings, Ted Cruz), shooting three-pointers, giving high-fives, passing, dribbling behind our backs, and, most recently, serving as the moral compass for the United States of America. That’s right. While seemingly all of the formal institutions of government have fallen in line, one-by-one, with the orange guy in the White House and his posse, we are out here fighting the good fight…

A lot of people have been really freaking out about the active volcano that was just discovered in my neighborhood. And I get it, it did come as a surprise to all of us and it does kind of make you question what kind of neighborhood we’ve been living in all these years. But, that being said, I just think the hand wringing and predictions of doom are just a little over the top. I’m actually pretty hopeful. I think this volcano might just be exactly what this neighborhood needs to shake things up and bring about some much needed…