Author: Andy Spain

1. Fall back on rooting for your other favorite teams who play fairly and deserve every win they’ve achieved, like the New York Yankees, Houston Astros, New England Patriots, and Harlem Globetrotters. 2. Rename Cameron Indoor Stadium “The Flop Shop.” 3. Use what little money you won by betting against UNC to buy a gift basket for Dick Vitale as a way of saying thanks for the decades of deafening, unbridled pro-Duke bias. 4. Kneel at a pew within the serene walls of Duke Chapel and ask God to forgive you for threatening referees at gunpoint before games to ensure…

The only way to fix America right now is for everyone to focus on the economy and stop worrying about all the other issues. That stuff can wait. The economy is the most important thing. It’s the economy, shithead! First off, shut up about rising inflation. So what if the massive stimulus bills passed by Congress pushed consumer prices higher? Hourly wages are said to be up more than 10% from a year ago, so that issue will obviously cancel itself out. What consumers are forced to pay to be able to survive isn’t the economy; it’s the cost of…

Listen up good, yous guys. I just had a sit down with The Boss and he wants me to go over a few things with you real quick now that the dust has settled after us rigging the election and whatnot. Grandpa Joe wants us to pivot the crews around so we can explore new business opportunities and legitimize this family business of ours, capiche? I got a few ideas on how to do that and keep a low profile about it, so here’s how it breaks down: You capos who handled all the ballot shredding, flipping votes, and voting…

Did all the world’s fancy predictive analytics accurately forecast what would happen in 2020? Nope. Today’s info analysts are no more trustworthy than those bargain-basement palm readers, necromancers, and essential oils people who advertise at the bus stop.  If only I had believed my grandfather when he told me the fractal pattern he found in a sheep’s liver meant dark times were coming. He’s an 84th generation haruspex, oracle of entrails, and that’s the kind of scientific predictor we need in these uncertain times. What’s the long-term impact of this widespread virus? When will things get back to normal? To…

The latest data models tell us the worst is likely behind us for most states. Now that the curve has been sufficiently flattened to warrant a careful easing of restrictions, our team of health experts can shift its focus to teaching the president that pee pee doesn’t go on the rug or in a garbage can. Pee pee only goes in one place, and that’s the potty. Our task force has done everything in its power to help Americans feel comfortable throughout this precarious situation, and now we must do all we can to usher the president through this difficult…

Eyes over here, mister namby-pamby fish lips. These ain’t manboobs, moobs, saggy mansacks, hairy nipstacks, or any other indecent alternatives to a virile physique. What I have on display here are two perfectly rigid beechwood-aged swab-the-deck-and-make-it-shine gladiator pecs. Come a little closer and take in the full view. I am the peak physical fulfillment God intended when on the sixth day he snapped his almighty fingers and created pecs, cocks, and Ted fucking Nugent. Look here. “Sun’s out, guns out” is a feeble platitude for rawboned lameasses Instagramming their somehow ironic beach trips. Please. Any puny toddler in pull-ups can…

Dear Dr. Rupert D. Cantwell, MD, PhD, FACS, Chair of the Department of Surgery, When I relocated to THE DEEP SOUTH to begin my general surgery residency program at the Duke University School of Medicine, I never dreamed I would be confronted by such brazen persecution at the hands of whom I had been assured were a tolerant community. The McMuffins and Starbucks coffee laid out for our orientation breakfast were immediate red flags. When I announced we don’t have chains on Martha’s Vineyard, where I was born and raised, a resident laughed in my face and said, “People live…

Greetings, staff member! Three years ago, we launched a gratuitous hiring frenzy to tackle an untenable stream of project-based work that has recently dried up. Instead of devising a flexible business model attuned to the natural flow of our industry, we’re politely demanding that you submit to our new corporate Patreon. To be clear, we don’t mean “submit” as in “forced into submission”; we mean it in the sense that you’re inspired to willfully surrender a majority portion of the finite amount of time you have left on Earth in exchange for the managerial elite making bank off your blood,…

We sent multiple crews of planets out across our planet to planet the planet in ways never before seen. Our new planet-spanning planet will showcase the planet’s many planets in breathtaking and unique ways. State of the art planet-capturing technology brings planets eye-to-eye with the planets that live in unusual habitats, from the highest and richest planets to the remotest and harshest planets. Planets watching at home will see flocks of migrating planets so vast that they take over an entire planet as well as voracious predator planets patiently hunting unsuspecting smaller planets in vicious planetary brutality. Over the course…

Welcome! I hope you found the place okay. Parking wasn’t a problem? Great! First things first: this is where I fart. This side of the lobby here, right where we’re standing. This is where I fart. Speaking of which, let’s move down the hall. I want to show you something before we get farted. Sorry, started. This is where I fart. In the corner over here against the wall. Behind this potted plant. An umbrella tree, you say? Wow, look at you! You’re fitting in already. Let’s keep moving, we have a busy day ahead of us. And behind us.…